Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Holiday Binge

These holidays may kill me
...
if I can't keep it under control.

Day 42

12.20.11

Breakfast:Eggwhites (25) 
Lunch:
Whole Wheat Angel Hair Pasta (210)
Roasted Garlic Marinara Sauce (60)

Dinner:Vegetarian Taco Salad (105)
Work Out:None

Net: 400

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Diet, Please

I love how the people in my office always chose diet soda over regular. They don’t turn down the cookies, candy, bagels, or any other holiday treats brought in – but, it’s ok, cause their beverage choice is calorie-free.
Ridiculous.

Day 41

12.19.11

Breakfast:Progresso Chicken Noodle (100)
10 Saltines (120)
Eggwhites (25) 
Lunch:
Potato Wedges (270)
Honey Mustard (130)

Dinner:Wheat Veggie Pita (235)
Work Out:20min Cycling (190)

Net: 690

Monday, December 19, 2011

Fruit Salad

We had lunch catered at the office last week.
Of course no one touched the fruit salad...
so, I stole a big bowl of it.
Snacking on it for a while.

Days 38-40

12.16-18.11

Pretty good weekend.
Friday Night: no food & movie
Saturday Morning: breakfast
Saturday Afternoon: sex
Saturday Night: dinner & drinks & sex
Sunday Morning: sex
Sunday Afternoon: breakfast
Sunday Night: dinner & cookies
Monday Morning: 129lbs

Friday, December 16, 2011

Eve's Apple


"She suffered during every meal, I knew it deep in my gut, and I monitored her with unnatural attention.  I felt her moods the way a blind man feels a face – some part of me was pressed up close against her, always, reading her, feeling the contours of her emotions, her thoughts, her moods, her hunger.  She shrank at times from the grope of my intuition, but at other times she posed for it, holding herself up for my inspections, baring her misery like nudity that has put aside shame."
-quote from Eve's Apple by Jonathon Rosen
I think my boyfriend should read this book... but I think it would tell him too much about the things he won't admit.

Day 37

12.15.11
Breakfast:GNC Complete Cleanse AM (60)
GNC Probiotic Packet (35)
Subway Eggwhite – no meat or cheese (200)     
Lunch:Wild Rice Soup (100)
Dinner:3 Pizza Hut Breadsticks (450)
Work Out:1hr Walk (180)

Net: 630

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Cold Relations

I’d like comfort food – but nothing sounds good. That nasty feeling of a stomach filled with mucus from sinus drainage makes even the yummiest of things sound disgusting. I sit here – miserable at my deskthinking of all the things I’d love to eat, knowing that they simply wouldn’t taste the same if I indulged in the midst of this illness. I really should just exercise… I don’t have time to sleep long enough to make the nap worthwhile with my busy schedule. Maybe, if I’m not coughing up my lung, I’ll simply avoid another meal and hit the gym.
I have a love/hate relationship with this cold I’ve caught.

Day 36

12.14.11

Breakfast:GNC Complete Cleanse AM (60)
GNC Probiotic Packet (35)           
Lunch:
1 cup sautéed Green Beans (60)
Dinner Roll (80)
Caesar Salad (200)
Snack:1 mini Pecan Pie (180)

Dinner:GNC Complete Cleanse PM (60)
Work Out:30min Walk (90)

Net: 455

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

SickySick

Sick.As.A.Dog.
Miserable.
Finally got under 130 and now I'm terribly sick.
Trying not too indulge in comfort food.
Hard not to.
I can do it.
I will not rise above 130 and give in to this cold.
No.No.No.
Under 120 by 12.24.

Day 35

12.13.11

Breakfast:GNC Complete Cleanse AM (60)
GNC Probiotic Packet (35)           
Lunch:
Mashed Potatoes, Corn, Gravy (180)
Snack:1 Apple (80)
1 cup Trail Mix (160)

Dinner:Chicken Noodle Soup (200)
GNC Complete Cleanse PM (60)
Work Out:30min Walk (90)

Net: 785

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Conquered Plateau

I finally broke 130.
128.5lbs this morning!
I’ve been waiting&waiting for this day.
The motivation it brings is astounding.
No way can I ever get above 130 again.
At 5’3” – anything above 130 is absolutely disgusting.
Only thinner&thinner shall I get.

Day 34

12.12.11

Breakfast:none    
Lunch:Carrots & Radishes
(45)
Green Bean Casserole (80)
Snack:½ bag Baked Cheddar Snack Mix (115)

Dinner:2 cups Homemade Spaghetti (250)
Work Out:30min Walk (90)

Net: 400

Monday, December 12, 2011

The Decision

It sounds silly, like, “whoa is the popular girl,” but I’d been pleasing everyone around me since I could remember. I did what I was told, but I always did what was necessary to stay on top in my high school social circle. I don’t regret my high school life at all, either. I was always busy, always involved, always spending time with different groups – ensuring I knew everything there was to know about the 500 people who walked the hall of my high school in order to properly perform my position as Year Book Editor-n-Chief. I’d never stopped to think, though, about what I actually wanted. And when I felt that empty feeling, I knew I wanted it.

Days 31-33

12.9.11-12.11.11


Me weekend was full of events.
-The boyfriends Employee Holiday Party
-My Roommate's Birthday Party
-Movie Night with The Girls
I had french fries, spaghetti, garlic toast, and lots of booze.
But I must have refrained enough...
130lbs on the scale this morning.
Crackin' down again this week.
Under 120 by December 25.

Friday, December 9, 2011

History Repeats

I discovered a certain suppliment when I was a junior in college. A friend of a friend mentioned that it would keep me awake during finals, so I tried it. It kept me awake, so I continued the regimen. About two weeks into my daily pill-popping routine, I noticed my clothes seemed looser. So I thought about it for a second: I haven’t been eating. I hadn’t even thought about eating. I was getting everything accomplished without having food even cross my mind. Looking back, I don’t feel I’d started an addiction – I just found something readily available that I enjoyed. If I didn’t have it, I was fine – I ate&slept like a normal person. If I did have it, I continued to shrink – from 125 to about 105 in a matter of months.
I can’t remember when I stopped – about a year later: I suddenly just “didn’t” anymore.
The current exam week, though, handed them back to me – 6 hours of sleep in 5 days with very little food intake – and I fell back in love with my beautiful old habit. Not sure I feel like searching&paying for more, but it’s been a pleasant blast from the past.

Day 30

12.8.11

Breakfast:GNC Complete Body Cleanse AM (40)
GNC Fiber and Probiotic Blend Packet (35)          
Lunch:
½ High Fiber Instant Oatmeal (80)
Snack:Homemade Apple Crisp (170)

Dinner:Panera Black Bean Soup (170)
GNC Complete Body Cleanse PM (40)
Work Out:30min Walk (90)

Net: 495

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Drunken Slips

Very few people know that I’ve ever actually had a bout with EDlet alone that I’ve been ping-ponging back&forth between Ana&Mia for over 6 years. Some close friends know that - in the darker hours of my life - I lose my appetite and shrink down, but – being the head strong girl I am – none have every mentioned or accused… they simply wait for me to come out of it.
Last weekend, though – in the midst of drunken confession mode – I slipped to my boyfriend that all the barfing I’d done that night wasn’t a big deal to me. After puking my way from the bar bathroom to the parkinglot to his garage to his bathroom, he was worried that I was miserable – any normal person would be. But I assured him that I’d thrown up plenty in my life and it didn’t faze me anymore. I vaguely remember his semi-horrified expression through my blurry vision. The next morning, though, he didn’t mention a thing. Of course. He’s too wonderful to question me and I’m too strong to be questioned.

Maybe it’s a sign, though, that – in reality – everyone knows… They just keep their mouths shut while I pretend there are no issues.

Day 29

12.7.11
Breakfast:GNC Complete Body Cleanse AM (40)
GNC Fiber and Probiotic Blend Packet (35)          
Lunch:
High Fiber Instant Oatmeal (160)
Snack:1 tbsp Reduced Fat Peanut Butter (95)

Dinner:2 scoops Naturade Soy Protein (140)
1.5 cups Light Soy Milk (90)
GNC Complete Body Cleanse PM (40)
Work Out:30min Cycling (180)

Net: 420

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

GNC Magic


So last night I had a little, mini-binge before purchasing GNC's 7-day Complete Body Cleansing Program. I've done this cleanse a couple of times and it really works wonders when I want to shrink my stomach down and get back to eating all natural foods.
It's oatmeal, fresh vegetables, lemon water, and aloevera juice for the next 7 days. If I want to get down below 120 for Christmas, I've got to do something serious this week. I didn't really want to go grocery shopping anyway.

Day 28

12.6.11

Breakfast:2 slices Wheat Bread (180)
4tbsp Egg Whites (50)   
Lunch:Subway Broccoli Cheese Soup (180)
Dinner:Value BK French Fries (240)
Work Out:30min Walk (90)

Net: 560

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Holiday Goals

I need to set some serious holiday goals.
I've merely been floating along lately
-
not gaining, not losing, not working out... NOT GOOD.
Lounging out at work then lounging out at home.
Office Chair - Couch - Bed
.lazy.
131lbs on the scale this morning.
19 days till Christmas.
UNDER 120 by Christmas = Holiday Goal.

119 by 12.25
119 by 12.25
119 by 12.25

I need to get my fat ass back to the gym.

Day 27

12.5.11

Breakfast:2 slices Wheat Bread (180)
4tbsp Egg Whites (50)   
Lunch:Salad  (250)
Dinner:½ Qdoba Vegetarian Taco Salad (110)
Work Out:Arms (?)

Net: 590

Monday, December 5, 2011

Motivation Music

I knew I was gaining this weekend.
I could feel it with every menu item I forced myself to order.
I was painfully aware that I could never completely rid my body of the junk I was putting inside it.
So, I took Sunday evening to make myself a new CD for motivation.

Daughtry - All These Lives
The Pretty Reckless - Make Me Wanna Die
Flyleaf - I'm So Sick
OTEP - Perfectly Flawed
SuperChick - Beauty From Pain
Missy Higgins - Katie
SuperChick - Courage
Flyleaf - Arise
Faces Without Names - Deadly Beauty
Eminem - Beautiful
Paramore - Fences
Flyleaf - Again
Kate Nash - Skeleton Song
Juliana Hatfield - Feed Me

Days 24-26

12.2.11-12.4.11
I had a mia.mia.mia weekend. Out to eat for almost every meal with friends from out of town. Lots of “I have to pee” running-to-the-bathroom moments and slamming saline lax with water&coffee to flush all the garbage out.


Up 2lbs on the scale this morning.


133

.fuck.

Friday, December 2, 2011

What's Left

I love leaving a small amount of leftovers. When I can take a meal I planned to eat in one sitting and still have some left for the next day – I slowly wean myself off of eating as much as I think I shouldORcould. I absolutely hate to waste food, though, so the couple bites I leave behind, I’ll save and eat the next day, which makes my next portion of leftovers even bigger until I’ve successfully saved a whole day’s worth of groceries on leftovers. I’m finally getting back into the good habit, too – and its benefitting.
131lbs this morning.

Day 23

12.1.11

Breakfast:none    
Lunch:Vegetarian LoMein w/ Fried Rice  (200)
1/4th cup Egg Whites (25)
Snack:1 Chocolate Chip Cookie (130)
Dinner:1 bowl Panera Black Bean Soup (170)
1 Whole Grain Baguette (180)
Work Out:30 minute Walk (90)

Net: 615

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Winter Loser

I always tend to lose in the winter. I think about all the holiday pictures I’ll be in, all the clothes people will gift me, all the events to attend – its super motivating for me to lose. And, the control of constantly being surrounded by holiday treats and saying “no” to them gives me so much power. My bones may be buried under sweaters&scarves, but they protrude the most in the winter.

Day 22

11.30.11
Breakfast:1/4th cup Egg Whites (25)
½  slice Wheat Bread (50)
Lunch:Vegetarian LoMein w/ Fried Rice  (300)
1/4th cup Egg Whites (25)
Dinner:1 cup Organic Granola Cereal (330)
1 cup Pure Almond Milk (35)
Work Out:30 cycling (190)
200 crunches

Net: 675

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

VSFS

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was a great source of thinsporation last night. I knocked out 200 crunches while watching their big-boobed*rib-caged*stick-legged bodies stomp down the runway. One girl’s joint between her leg and hip looked like Barbie’s – I swear there would have been the same distinct hollow crease had skin not been covering it. I want my bones to showprotrude – take over my being. I want abmuscles” because there’s nothing over my stomach but skinGot up and worked out at 6am today.  Feeling incredibly motivated.

Day 21

11.29.11

Breakfast:none
Lunch:1 cup Romaine (10)
2 cups Broccoli, Cauliflower, & Carrots (50)
5tbsp Fat Free Italian (40)
Fat Free Croutons (100)
1/4th cup Egg Whites (25)
Snack:Sunflower Seeds (160)
1 Cinnamon Roll (140)
Dinner:Green Bean Casserole (330)
Work Out:10min Elliptical (90)

Net: 745

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Beginning

I started throwing up my food my senior year in high school. I can’t say that I know what “triggered” it, though. I tend to get nauseous when I get really upset and one day – during the stress of college applications, prom planning, graduation preparation – I just threw up from simply feeling overwhelmed. I remember standing up straight over the toilet when I’d finished and noticing how empty I felt.
And I loved it.
I’d always been conscious of my body, but never truly worried about it, yet that empty feeling made me think: who will I be if I’m always empty?

Day 20

11.28.11

Breakfast:none
Lunch:1 cup Romaine (10)
2 cups Broccoli, Cauliflower, & Carrots (50)
5tbsp Fat Free Italian (40)
Fat Free Croutons (100)
1/4th cup Egg Whites (25)
Snack:Sunflower Seeds (160)
Homemade Brownie (120)
Dinner:Vegetarian Chili  (300)
10 Fritos Scoops (160)
Work Out:none (bad girl)

Net: 965

Monday, November 28, 2011

The Bagel Sneer

Around here, over-eating on office food is a must. Almost every day there’s a different treat: bagels, cookies, crackers&dip, donuts. Everyone flocks to the food, noting how they “haven’t eaten yet today” or “deserve a treat every now&then” and guiltily load up on the free garbage. When I first started in this office, I felt obligated – but once I realized the snacks just keep on comin’ I knew my waistline couldn’t handle appeasing my coworkers every time. Now, I never eat the snacks. Thus, I always get what I like to call: “the Bagel Sneer.” I pass on my way to the copy machine and if, by chance, no one cackles at me to devour a carb-monster, I get the stink-eye from the control-less creamcheese-spreaders. I’ve come to enjoy the power. They watch me shrink and I watch them grow. Someday, they’ll look back on the upcoming holiday pictures full of back-fat&fupas and wish they hadn’t been so indulgent at the office all the time.

Day 15-19

11.23-27.11

I was actually pretty good over the holiday weekend.
133lbs this morning.
Not bad.
Random, unhealthy meals - but not too many.
And a couple vomit-sessions.
Can't complain.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Sweaty Needs

I’m gaining.
Gaining.Gaining.Gaining
137lb on the scale this morning.
What the fuck?
It’s not what I’ve been eating – cos that hasn’t been much. So, it must be my lack of workouts. Haven’t had time. Gotta find time. After this long holiday weekend – roadtrip, football games, and little/no food – I’ll get back into the gym.
Everyday.
Hard.
I must.

Day 14

11.21.11

Breakfast:1 Banana (100)
Lunch:1 cup Romaine (10)
2 cups Broccoli, Cauliflower, & Carrots (50)
5tbsp Fat Free Italian (40)
Fat Free Croutons (100)
1/4th cup Egg Whites (25)
Snack:Sunflower Seeds (160)
Dinner:Vegetarian LoMein w/ Fried Rice  (300)
Work Out:none (bad girl)

Net: 785

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Gaining

I hate when I feel like I’ve hit a wall.
On top of the world:
eating minuscule amounts and throwing most of it up.
Watching the pounds fall off and starting to feel confident again.
Then life drops in front of me like a heap of bricks
laughing in my face:

ha.ha.ha.
you have no time to work out.
ha.ha.ha.
you have to eat for the holidays.
ha.ha.ha.
you’re gonna pack it all back on.
-
My Response:
Nooooooooo.

I can’t.
This holiday will not get me.
Cos if I can make it through Thanks Giving maintaining self control – I can make it to my all of my goals. This holiday’s a holiday I’d rather forget about anyway. Nothing good happens on Thanks Giving for me these past few years, so I’m taking a roadtrip and avoiding food.  Every stop I make, I’ll have “already eaten” before.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I must do this.

Day 13

11.21.11
Breakfast:3” Subway Flatbread – Eggwhite (150)
Lunch:1 cup Romaine (10)
2 cups Broccoli, Cauliflower, & Carrots (50)
5tbsp Fat Free Italian (40)
Fat Free Croutons (100)
1/4th cup Egg Whites (25)
Snack:½ slice Coffee Cake (140)
Dinner:1 cup Spaghetti w/ Marinara  (200)
Work Out:none (bad girl)

Net: 715

Monday, November 21, 2011

Actual Benefits

Scene:
Pre-Thanks Giving Potluck to “stretch our stomachs” in my Office
Current Activity:
Everyone is joking about throwing up the potluck food they just ate.
My Intake:
A salad with fat free dressing.
5 chips with bean salsa.
My Actions:
And I actually did throw it up.
My Thoughts:
These people are weak. – Hence why they’re all fat.

Day 12

11.18.11
Breakfast:none
Lunch:5 Tortilla Chips (60)
1 cup Black Bean & Corn Salsa (30)
10 Reduced Fat Wheat Thins (80)
1 cup Romaine Lettuce (10)
½ cup Broccoli & Califlower (10)
4 tbsp Fat Free Italian Dressing (30)
Snack:1 Deviled Egg (90)
Dinner:½ Qudoba Vegetarian Taco Salad (100)
Work Out: none (bad girl)

Net: 410

Friday, November 18, 2011

Tiny Vampire

Holy shit.
Talk about Thinspo.
I went to the midnight premier last night and I never want to eat again. Don’t want to give it away – but, let’s just say, there were lots of beautiful bones EVERYWHERE. Teeny Tiny cast of emaciatedly enchanting characters.
Amazing.

Day 11

11.17.11

Breakfast:½  slice Wheat Bread (50)
3tbsp Egg Whites (25)
Lunch:1 cup Progresso Zesty Vegetable Soup (60)
1 slice Wheat Bread (90)
1 cup Romaine Lettuce (10)
½ cup Broccoli & Califlower (10)
4 tbsp Fat Free Italian Dressing (30)
Snack:1tbsp Reduced Fat Peanut Butter (95)
2 cups Movie Theater Popcorn (100)
1 slice Diet Soda Cake (20)
Dinner:½ Qudoba Vegetarian Taco Salad (100)
Work Out:½  hour Stairs (150)

Net: 440

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Everybody's Dieting

Kind of ironic that at this time of year – the Holiday Season – it seems that everyone around me is dieting. I went to dinner with a guy-friend last night …a big-snuggly-teddybear guy… who’s suddenly on a strict diet. We had to have dinner at 8:30pm because he needed to work out first. We couldn’t have drinks with our meal because he’s on an alcohol break. We didn’t indulge in mayonnaise or cheese or french-fries because he’s basically living off chicken, veggies, and whole-grains.
It was strange.
I’m definitely not complaining. It made what little I ate much more acceptable, but it was an interesting experience. When the dinner conversation with a burley, manly-man consists of calorie counting&fat content, I know the world around me is on a diet.
He looks good, though. His hard work is paying off. And I didn’t gain a thing – even after falling asleep on a semi-full stomach.
Perfect.

Day 10

11.16.11

Breakfast:1 slice Wheat Bread (65)
6tbsp Egg Whites (50)
1tbsp ketchup (20)
Lunch:1 cup Progresso Zesty Vegetable Soup (60)
1 slice Wheat Bread (90)
Snack:1tbsp Reduced Fat Peanut Butter (95)
Dinner:Black Bean Burger Patty (100)
¼ Kaiser Poppyseed Roll (50)
4 Cracked Pepper Fries (45)
Work Out:½  hour Biking (120)

Net: 455

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Tricky Dinner

Last night, I was supposed to go out to eat with a friends before watching a movie. We were going to try this new Mexican place that opened near campus. I knew that I wouldn’t have time to work out, so I avoided dinner – stopped by my boyfriend’s in between errands to make sure I’d be late for dinner then went to rent the movie while everyone else ate.
Woops, I’ll just grab something from the grocery store while I’m out.
Of course, I didn’t.
132lbs this morning.
Good girl.

Day 9

11.15.11

Breakfast:1 slice Wheat Bread (80)
9tbsp Egg Whites (75)
Lunch:1 cup Vegetarian Chili (150)
1 slice Wheat Bread (90)
Snack:2tbsp Reduced Fat Peanut Butter (190)
Dinner:
none
Work Out:½  hour walk (90)

Net: 295

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Morning Workout

I prefer morning sex.
I feel skinny in the morning and my sleepy eyes & messy hair are flatteringly adorable.  My opinion, of course.  But my opinions are generally correct.  And I’ve never had someone NOT accept my morning advances – so something about me must be enticing.  Little baby whispers as I scratch his chest to wake up: “will you please fuck me?  And I’m anything but a pillow-queen, so as long as he's responsive – I’ll be all over the place doing work to get my morning fix …watching my own hipbones slide around the bed.  And I’m anything but quiet, so if anyone else is trying to sleep – they’ll wake up to my screams …whimpering my desires.
The harder the better.
More of a workout.
I always have and always will prefer morning sex.

Day 8

11.14.11(still recovering from my weekend...)

Breakfast:3” Subway Eggwhite Flatbread (160)
Lunch:8oz Broccoli Cheese Soup (160)
Homemade Salad w/ Fat Free Ranch (160)
Snack:½ bag Popcorn (60)
Dinner:Qudoba Vegetarian Taco Salad (no cheese or sc) (210)
Work Out:1 hour walk (150)

Net: 600

Monday, November 14, 2011

Stepping Alone

Eventually we’re not going to talk about this. We’re just going to look amazing. We’ll have healthy habits and workout routines and the topic won’t be a necessary discussion. That thought makes me happy. :)
I’ve said too much to my boyfriend.
We’ve discussed my diet, caloric intake, and exercise routine.
Too much for him to know.
Too many ideas for him to entertain.
The last thing I want is someone who questions my frailty
– wonders about my eating habits –
makes sure I’ve had my fill before a workout.
That is the last thing I want.

But I also don’t want to be
“healty” with “workout routines…”
I am in love with my habits
my mindsets
my strengths&abilities.
I will not let anyone mistake my love for a problem.
Thus, my love must be quieter.
I will be tiny.
Like I used to be.
Without letting anyone know that I want it so bad.
I’ll be mindlessly small – unaware of my stature.
Someone will tell me to “eat something
and
I’ll look at them in confusion...
...because I’m simply little – not starving.
“And so I went through the looking glass
stepped into the netherworld
where up is down and food is greed
where convex mirrors cover the walls
where death is honor
and flesh is weak.
It is ever so easy to go.”
-Marya Hornbacher Wasted

Days 5-7

I was a barstar this weekend.
Booze Booze Booze
And very little food.


Beneficial, I guess.
135 this morning.


Good girl.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Pizza Boy


Maybe I’ll wear a tight shirt today. It’s pizza day in the office, so if my shirt is tight, I won’t want to eat any.”
Or maybe you could simply practice self-control instead of relying on your clothing to keep you in check.”
Ouch.
This was the conversation between my boyfriend and I while I got ready for work this morning.
He’s right, though – I guess.
I know.
My mind tricks shouldn’t be necessary.
I know I shouldn’t have pizza.
I can’t have pizza.
The tightness of my shirt doesn’t change the fact that my fat body doesn’t need pizza inside it.
Self-control is what I will practice today.

Day 4

11.10.11

Breakfast:6 tbsp Liquid Egg Whites (50)
1 slice Whole Wheat Bread (70)
Lunch:½ cup Veggie Fried Rice (100)
3oz Veggie Lo Mein (70)
3 tbsp Liquid Egg Whites (25)
Snack:1 cup PuppyChow (300)
Dinner:None


Work Out:30min Elliptical (hard) (358)
Net: 257

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Sisterly Influence

My sorority has never been known for being those cookie-cutter, teeny-tiny, perfect girls. That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t want to be known for that, though. Just after my initiation, we had a greek-wide pool event on campus. A few weeks prior, some of the seniors invited some of the newbies to lay-out with them. Tiptoeing toward my sisters, I watched them look me up&down. The rail-thin sweetheart of our neighboring fraternity sneered at me –
you know you can’t be FAT for the pool party.
I threw up my food that night and every night until my slightly smaller and much tanner belly debuted itself to the greek community. That senior was notably satisfied with my appearance.
Me - Pool-Party Time

Day 3

11.9.11
Breakfast:6 tbsp Liquid Egg Whites (50)
1 slice Whole Wheat Bread (70)
Lunch:½ cup Veggie Fried Rice (100)
3oz Veggie Lo Mein (70)
3 tbsp Liquid Egg Whites (25)
Snack:½ Veggie Egg Roll (95)
Dinner:2 cups Pure Almond Milk (70)
3 scoops Naturade Total Soy – Vanilla (225)
Work Out:20min Elliptical (186)
30min Step Aerobics (249)
Net: 270

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Dinosaur Back


My boyfriend says I have a dinosaur back.
And, actually, even with all the current meat on my bones, my back is incredibly bony.
Blame it on genetics – or, in my opinion, thank genetics.
He’s adamant that my bony back is a sign that I need to gain weight –
or, at least, not lose another ounce.

I’d like a dinosaur body, though, dear.
And you’ll snuggle and love it when it's bony all over.
I'm sure.


Day 2

11.8.11

Breakfast:6 tbsp Liquid Egg Whites (50)
½ Sesame Bagel from Panera Bread (180)
Lunch:Homemade Vegetarian Chili (225)
1 slice Wheat Bread (70)
Snack:Apple (55)
1 sliced Red Pepper (40)
Dinner:1 cup Vegetable Fried Rice (160)
1 glass Red Wine (100)

Work Out:40min Elliptical (379)
1.5hr Walk (300)

Net: 201

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Shaky Night


I found myself shaking before bed last night.
Perfect.

I’d only had a protein shake for dinner and done a ton of exercise. When my boyfriend came over to do homework, I felt like a little bit of a mess. He tried to tell me to eat something.
No way.
So, instead, I curled up and went to sleep. Poor guy – he probably wanted to actually spend time with me, but if being miserably awake would allow the food solution to creep into my psyche, sleep was the only answer.

Day 1

11.7.11
Breakfast:6 tbsp Liquid Egg Whites (50)
½ order left-over IHop Hashbrowns (160)
Lunch:Homemade Vegetarian Chili (150)
8 Club Crackers (140)
Snack:Apple (55)
Dinner:1 scoop Naturade Total Soy – Vanilla (75)
1 cup Silk Pure Almond Milk – Unsweetened (35)

Work Out:35min Elliptical (329)

Net: 334

Monday, November 7, 2011

Dairy Disaster

It should be disturbing how incredibly easy it has become for me to throw up my food.
But I don’t find it disturbing at all.
I’m actually quite satisfied when I’m able to get it all out of me.


About 20 minutes ago a woman in the office offered me some crackers with a southwest dip she'd made. Not wanting to be “that girl” I accepted and had a couple bites. When she sat the leftovers out in the common area with the recipe I walked over and read it.
Whole milk, butter milk, sour cream.
No way am I keeping that in me.”
So I didn’t.
A quick toilet sess at work and the mistaken acceptance won’t affect my waistline.
Pat on the back.
Perfect.

Week 1

I’ve done this so many times before – I know that I have to start slowly. I can’t simply STOP eating or I’ll relapse, give up, and hate myself until I decide to start over again. Thus, an intake of 900calories per day is my limit this week. And 300calories per day must be burned.
Since I absolutely hate to waste food – I’ll be finishing the few groceries I have left.

instant oatmeal

left over IHop
vegetarian chili
vegetable soup
1 bag of popcorn
two apples
egg whites
Naturade Soy - Vanilla
and almond milk

My will-power is strong and I’m incredibly determined again. Just wait and see. I’m back to my habits and I won’t fuck up.
See you later, 140lbs. I’ll never come near you again.

Habitualness


After a year of running, I’ve moved back to where I started.
After a year attempting to “get better” I’ve fallen back in love with my habits.
I’ve re-connected with my friends: Ana&Mia.
From now on, we will do nothing but succeed [together] – with self-control&discipline.

This blog is to make me keep track of myself.
Whether anyone reads or not.
I will publicize my habits.
I will remind myself to stay in check.
I will not hide behind anything.
I loved myself the most when I was “unhealthy.”
I plan to get back there.
Objections will simply be ignored.
My will-power rises above any criticism.
My desires over-ride any obstacles.

The beautiful girl in this body lies BeneathBones.