I love how the people in my office always chose diet soda over regular. They don’t turn down the cookies, candy, bagels, or any other holiday treats brought in – but, it’s ok, cause their beverage choice is calorie-free.
"She suffered during every meal, I knew it deep in my gut, and I monitored her with unnatural attention.I felt her moods the way a blind man feels a face – some part of me was pressed up close against her, always, reading her, feeling the contours of her emotions, her thoughts, her moods, her hunger.She shrank at times from the grope of my intuition, but at other times she posed for it, holding herself up for my inspections, baring her misery like nudity that has put aside shame."
-quote from Eve's Apple by Jonathon Rosen
I think my boyfriend should read this book... but I think it would tell him too much about the things he won't admit.
I’d like comfort food – but nothing sounds good. That nasty feeling of a stomach filled with mucus from sinus drainage makes even the yummiest of things sound disgusting. I sit here – miserable at my desk – thinking of all the things I’d love to eat, knowing that they simply wouldn’t taste the same if I indulged in the midst of this illness. I really should just exercise… I don’t have time to sleep long enough to make the nap worthwhile with my busy schedule. Maybe, if I’m not coughing up my lung, I’ll simply avoid another meal and hit the gym.
I have a love/hate relationship with this cold I’ve caught.
Breakfast:GNC Complete Cleanse AM (60)
GNC Probiotic Packet (35) Lunch:1 cup sautéed Green Beans (60)
Dinner Roll (80)
Caesar Salad (200) Snack:1 mini Pecan Pie (180) Dinner:GNC Complete Cleanse PM (60)
It sounds silly, like, “whoa is the popular girl,” but I’d been pleasing everyone around me since I could remember. I did what I was told, but I always did what was necessary to stay on top in my high school social circle. I don’t regret my high school life at all, either. I was always busy, always involved, always spending time with different groups – ensuring I knew everything there was to know about the 500 people who walked the hall of my high school in order to properly perform my position as Year Book Editor-n-Chief. I’d never stopped to think, though, about what I actually wanted. And when I felt that empty feeling, I knew I wanted it.
Me weekend was full of events. -The boyfriends Employee Holiday Party -My Roommate's Birthday Party -Movie Night with The Girls I had french fries, spaghetti, garlic toast, and lots of booze. But I must have refrained enough... 130lbs on the scale this morning. Crackin' down again this week. Under 120 by December 25.
I discovered a certain suppliment when I was a junior in college. A friend of a friend mentioned that it would keep me awake during finals, so I tried it. It kept me awake, so I continued the regimen. About two weeks into my daily pill-popping routine, I noticed my clothes seemed looser. So I thought about it for a second: I haven’t been eating. I hadn’t even thought about eating. I was getting everything accomplished without having food even cross my mind. Looking back, I don’t feel I’d started an addiction – I just found something readily available that I enjoyed. If I didn’t have it, I was fine – I ate&slept like a normal person. If I did have it, I continued to shrink – from 125 to about 105 in a matter of months.
I can’t remember when I stopped – about a year later: I suddenly just “didn’t” anymore.
The current exam week, though, handed them back to me – 6 hours of sleep in 5 days with very littlefood intake – and I fell back in love with my beautiful old habit. Not sure I feel like searching&paying for more, but it’s been a pleasant blast from the past.
Breakfast:GNC Complete Body Cleanse AM (40)
GNC Fiber and Probiotic Blend Packet (35) Lunch:½ High Fiber Instant Oatmeal (80) Snack:Homemade Apple Crisp (170) Dinner:Panera Black Bean Soup (170)
GNC Complete Body Cleanse PM (40)
Very few people know that I’ve ever actually had a bout with ED – let alone that I’ve been ping-ponging back&forth between Ana&Mia for over 6 years. Some close friends know that - in the darker hours of my life - I lose my appetite and shrink down, but – being the head strong girl I am – none have every mentioned or accused… they simply wait for me to come out of it.
Last weekend, though – in the midst of drunken confession mode – I slipped to my boyfriend that all the barfing I’d done that night wasn’t a big deal to me. After puking my way from the bar bathroom to the parkinglot to his garage to his bathroom, he was worried that I was miserable – any normal person would be. But I assured him that I’d thrown upplenty in my life and it didn’t faze me anymore. I vaguely remember his semi-horrified expression through my blurry vision. The next morning, though, he didn’t mention a thing. Of course. He’s too wonderful to question me and I’m too strong to be questioned.
Maybe it’s a sign, though, that – in reality – everyone knows… They just keep their mouths shut while I pretend there are no issues.
So last night I had a little, mini-binge before purchasing GNC's 7-day Complete Body Cleansing Program. I've done this cleanse a couple of times and it really works wonders when I want to shrink my stomach down and get back to eating all natural foods.
It's oatmeal, fresh vegetables, lemon water, and aloevera juice for the next 7 days. If I want to get down below 120 for Christmas, I've got to do something serious this week. I didn't really want to go grocery shopping anyway.
I had a mia.mia.mia weekend. Out to eat for almost every meal with friends from out of town. Lots of “I have to pee” running-to-the-bathroom moments and slamming saline lax with water&coffee to flush all the garbage out.
I love leaving a small amount of leftovers. When I can take a meal I planned to eat in one sitting and still have some left for the next day – I slowly wean myself off of eating as much as I think I shouldORcould. I absolutely hate to waste food, though, so the couple bites I leave behind, I’ll save and eat the next day, which makes my next portion of leftovers even bigger until I’ve successfully saved a whole day’s worth of groceries on leftovers. I’m finally getting back into the good habit, too – and its benefitting.
I always tend to lose in the winter. I think about all the holidaypictures I’ll be in, all the clothes people will gift me, all the events to attend – its super motivating for me to lose. And, the control of constantly being surrounded by holiday treats and saying “no” to them gives me so much power. My bones may be buried under sweaters&scarves, but they protrude the most in the winter.
The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was a great source of thinsporation last night. I knocked out 200 crunches while watching their big-boobed*rib-caged*stick-legged bodies stomp down the runway. One girl’s joint between her leg and hip looked like Barbie’s – I swear there would have been the same distinct hollow crease had skin not been covering it. I want my bones to show – protrude – take over my being. I want ab “muscles” because there’s nothing over my stomach but skin. Got up and worked out at 6am today. Feeling incredibly motivated.
I started throwing up my food my senior year in high school. I can’t say that I know what “triggered” it, though. I tend to get nauseous when I get really upset and one day – during the stress of college applications, prom planning, graduation preparation – I just threw up from simply feeling overwhelmed. I remember standing up straight over the toilet when I’d finished and noticing how empty I felt.
And I loved it.
I’d always been conscious of my body, but never truly worried about it, yet that empty feeling made me think: who will I be if I’m always empty?
Around here, over-eating on office food is a must. Almost every day there’s a different treat: bagels, cookies, crackers&dip, donuts. Everyone flocks to the food, noting how they “haven’t eaten yet today” or “deserve a treat every now&then” and guiltily load up on the free garbage. When I first started in this office, I felt obligated – but once I realized the snacks just keep on comin’ I knew my waistline couldn’t handle appeasing my coworkers every time. Now, I never eat the snacks. Thus, I always get what I like to call: “the Bagel Sneer.” I pass on my way to the copy machine and if, by chance, no one cackles at me to devour a carb-monster, I get the stink-eye from the control-less creamcheese-spreaders. I’ve come to enjoy the power. They watch me shrink and I watch them grow. Someday, they’ll look back on the upcoming holiday pictures full of back-fat&fupas and wish they hadn’t been so indulgent at the office all the time.
It’s not what I’ve been eating – cos that hasn’t been much.So, it must be my lack of workouts.Haven’t had time.Gotta find time.After this long holiday weekend – roadtrip, football games, and little/no food – I’ll get back into the gym.
eating minuscule amounts and throwing most of it up.
Watching the pounds fall off and starting to feel confident again.
Then life drops in front of me like a heap of bricks
laughing in my face:
you have no time to work out.
you have to eat for the holidays.
you’re gonna pack it all back on.
This holiday will not get me.
Cos if I can make it through Thanks Giving maintaining self control – I can make it to my all of my goals. This holiday’s a holiday I’d rather forget about anyway. Nothing good happens on Thanks Giving for me these past few years, so I’m taking a roadtrip and avoiding food. Every stop I make, I’ll have “already eaten” before.
I went to the midnight premier last night and I never want to eat again.Don’t want to give it away – but, let’s just say, there were lots of beautiful bones EVERYWHERE.Teeny Tiny cast of emaciatedly enchanting characters.
Kind of ironic that at this time of year – the Holiday Season – it seems that everyone around me is dieting. I went to dinner with a guy-friend last night …a big-snuggly-teddybear guy… who’s suddenly on a strict diet. We had to have dinner at 8:30pm because he needed to work out first. We couldn’t have drinks with our meal because he’s on an alcohol break. We didn’t indulge in mayonnaise or cheese or french-fries because he’s basically living off chicken, veggies, and whole-grains.
It was strange.
I’m definitely not complaining.It made what little I ate much more acceptable, but it was an interesting experience.When the dinner conversation with a burley, manly-man consists of calorie counting&fat content, I know the world around me is on a diet.
He looks good, though.His hard work is paying off.And I didn’t gain a thing – even after falling asleep on a semi-full stomach.
Last night, I was supposed to go out to eat with a friends before watching a movie. We were going to try this new Mexican place that opened near campus. I knew that I wouldn’t have time to work out, so I avoided dinner – stopped by my boyfriend’s in between errands to make sure I’d be late for dinner then went to rent the movie while everyone else ate.
Woops, I’ll just grab something from the grocery store while I’m out.
I feel skinny in the morning and my sleepy eyes & messy hair are flatteringly adorable.My opinion, of course.But my opinions are generally correct.And I’ve never had someone NOT accept my morning advances – so something about me must be enticing.Little baby whispers as I scratch his chest to wake up: “will you please fuck me?”And I’m anything but a pillow-queen, so as long as he's responsive – I’ll be all over the place doing work to get my morning fix …watching my own hipbones slide around the bed.And I’m anything but quiet, so if anyone else is trying to sleep – they’ll wake up to my screams …whimpering my desires.
“Eventually we’re not going to talk about this. We’re just going to look amazing. We’ll have healthy habits and workout routines and the topic won’t be a necessary discussion. That thought makes me happy. :)”
I’ve said too much to my boyfriend.
We’ve discussed my diet, caloric intake, and exercise routine.
Too much for him to know.
Too many ideas for him to entertain.
The last thing I want is someone who questions my frailty
– wonders about my eating habits –
makes sure I’ve had my fill before a workout.
That is the last thing I want.
But I also don’t want to be
“healty” with “workout routines…”
I am in love with my habits
I will not let anyone mistake my love for a problem.
Thus, my love must be quieter.
I will be tiny.
Like I used to be.
Without letting anyone know that I want it so bad.
I’ll be mindlessly small – unaware of my stature.
Someone will tell me to “eat something”
I’ll look at them in confusion...
...because I’m simply little – not starving.
“And so I went through the looking glass
stepped into the netherworld
where up is down and food is greed
where convex mirrors cover the walls
where death is honor
and flesh is weak.
It is ever so easy to go.”
-Marya Hornbacher Wasted
My sorority has never been known for being those cookie-cutter, teeny-tiny, perfect girls. That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t want to be known for that, though. Just after my initiation, we had a greek-wide pool event on campus. A few weeks prior, some of the seniors invited some of the newbies to lay-out with them. Tiptoeing toward my sisters, I watched them look me up&down. The rail-thin sweetheart of our neighboring fraternity sneered at me –
“you know you can’t be FAT for the pool party.”
I threw up my food that night and every night until my slightly smaller and much tanner belly debuted itself to the greek community.That senior was notably satisfied with my appearance.
I’d only had a protein shake for dinner and done a ton of exercise. When my boyfriend came over to do homework, I felt like a little bit of a mess. He tried to tell me to eat something.
So, instead, I curled up and went to sleep. Poor guy – he probably wanted to actually spend time with me, but if being miserably awake would allow the food solution to creep into my psyche, sleep was the only answer.
Breakfast:6 tbsp Liquid Egg Whites (50)
½ order left-over IHop Hashbrowns (160) Lunch:Homemade Vegetarian Chili (150)
8 Club Crackers (140) Snack:Apple (55) Dinner:1 scoop Naturade Total Soy – Vanilla (75)
1 cup Silk Pure Almond Milk – Unsweetened (35)
It should be disturbing how incredibly easy it has become for me to throw up my food.
But I don’t find it disturbing at all.
I’m actually quite satisfied when I’m able to get it all out of me.
About 20 minutes ago a woman in the office offered me some crackers with a southwest dip she'd made. Not wanting to be “that girl” I accepted and had a couple bites. When she sat the leftovers out in the common area with the recipe I walked over and read it.
Whole milk, butter milk, sour cream.
“No way am I keeping that in me.”
So I didn’t.
A quick toilet sess at work and the mistaken acceptance won’t affect my waistline.
I’ve done this so many times before – I know that I have to start slowly. I can’t simply STOP eating or I’ll relapse, give up, and hate myself until I decide to start over again. Thus, an intake of 900calories per day is my limit this week. And 300calories per day must be burned.
Since I absolutely hate to waste food – I’ll be finishing the few groceries I have left.
instant oatmeal left over IHop
1 bag of popcorn
Naturade Soy - Vanilla
and almond milk
My will-power is strong and I’m incredibly determined again. Just wait and see. I’m back to my habits and I won’t fuck up.
See you later, 140lbs. I’ll never come near you again.