Stepping Alone

“Eventually we’re not going to talk about this. We’re just going to look amazing. We’ll have healthy habits and workout routines and the topic won’t be a necessary discussion. That thought makes me happy. :)”

I’ve said too much to my boyfriend.

We’ve discussed my diet, caloric intake, and exercise routine.

Too much for him to know.

Too many ideas for him to entertain.

The last thing I want is someone who questions my frailty

– wonders about my eating habits –

makes sure I’ve had my fill before a workout.

That is the last thing I want.

But I also don’t want to be

“healty” with “workout routines…”

I am in love with my habits

my mindsets

my strengths&abilities.

I will not let anyone mistake my love for a problem.

Thus, my love must be quieter.

I will be tiny.

Like I used to be.

Without letting anyone know that I want it so bad.

I’ll be mindlessly small – unaware of my stature.

Someone will tell me to “eat something”

and

I’ll look at them in confusion...

...because I’m simply little – not starving.

“And so I went through the looking glass
stepped into the netherworld
where up is down and food is greed
where convex mirrors cover the walls
where death is honor
and flesh is weak.
It is ever so easy to go.”
-Marya Hornbacher Wasted