Friday, November 30, 2012


Just after I bitched
about booze making me a munchie-monster
I spent today's late afternoon&evening at the bar
with some coworkers watching college bowl games.
The last thing I did was munch.
Got an order of french fries and ate about three.
Though I probably should have munched on more them
because the alcohol definitely got to my brain&body
faster than I'd expected
I found myself falling out of the bar
ripping my favorite pair of black jeans
the ones that make legs look teeny-tiny
even though they aren't.
Oh well.
At least I only drank my calories
instead of both drinking&eating them.
And we had to walk about 10 blocks home,
so that was a nice bit of exercise.

Day 79

Kids Naked Chicken Burrito - 135cals
Roasted Almonds - 100cals
French Fries - 25cals
Beer - 500cals

Walk - 300cals

NET: 460

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Booze Munchies

Oh, Booze...
you make me such a fat-nasty-munch-monster.
The worst things about holidays is all the drinking
cause when I drink - I want to eat
and if there's food around - I will slam it.
Why can't I just be the drunkorexic of my college days!?

Day 78

Chicken & Veggie Soup - 140cals
Romaine w/ Ranch & Croutons - 150cals

Walk w/ Stairs - 100cals

NET: 190cals

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Mindless Aid

I discovered a certain ADD medication's effectiveness as an appetite suppressant about 4 winters ago during the stress of college exam week. I was looking through old pictures yesterday to see how rapidly the effects took hold after I'd started using. I suppose I'd been losing since that summer, but I was certainly much more unknowingly bony once I'd started my regimen. For about a year, I never functioned without their help, but then I decided to behave...
...and with a normal appetite came lots of cravings.
Maybe I should find a psych for a prescription.
I need the mindless help back.

Day 77

Chicken & Veggie Soup - 140cals
Brussel Sprouts - 60cals
Dark Chocolate - 60cals

Walk w/ Stairs - 100cals
Elliptical - 200cals

NET: -40

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Intake Neglect

I've been neglecting my intake log.
I know all that I've eaten
so I've got to fill in my gaps
but I'm dreading facing the over-indulgences.
Oh well.
Gotta do it.

I had an interesting talk with the boyfriend today.
He was explaining his diet plan to me
and mentioned BMR.
(the metabolic rate of a resting body)
So I went online and figured mine out.
my body requires 1400 calories
to simply function.
So apparently
if I net 0 calories every day
I would lose almost 3 pounds a week.
Obviously, this is motivating.
I'd like to make sure I always burn what I eat,
so that whatever my body must burn to function
will simply be take the pounds off in time.

Day 76

Chips & Guacamole - 225cals
Carrots - 50cals
Mashed Potatoes - 240cals
French Baget - 75cals

Elliptical - 200cals
Walk - 100cals

NET: 290

Monday, November 26, 2012

Shopping Thinspo

I've been online Christmas shopping
like a mad woman
making sure I've got everything
in time to ship my gifts for Christmas.
I can't help but finding things I want, too.
So, I allowed myself to buy:
two sexy pairs of heels
and a cute pair of Lauren Conrad earrings.
Hopefully, I'll feel sexy soon
(and find skinny jeans to wear)
so I can rock to heels with confidence.
Nothing like a good buy for motivation.

Day 75

Chicken Speatzle Soup - 120cals
Veggie Pesto Soup - 100cals
Whole Grain Baget - 360cals
Pumpkin Pie - 470cals

Elliptical - 300cals
Run - 150cals

NET: 600

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Day 74

Chips & Dip - 280cals
Mashed Potatoes - 240cals
Broccoli & Galic Sauce - 300cals
Fried Rice - 270cals
Pumpkin Pie - 280cals


NET: 1370

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Naughty Need

This was a naughty day.
I had a good family friend in town
who wanted to munch all day.
(thanks a lot to a certain substance)
So, after a hearty breakfast
at a cute place around the corner
we snacked on salty&sweet
then fed our lasting chinese addiction.
It was a wonderful day
with a wonderful person
and wonderful food.
But I can't do that too often.

Day 73

Greek Omlette - 270cals
Pistaccios - 170cals
Dark Chocolates - 500cals
Broccoli & Garlic Sauce - 300cals
Fried Rice - 270cals

Walk - 200cals

NET: 1310

Friday, November 23, 2012


I didn't want to over-indulge on Thanks Giving
it happened anyway.
The boyfriend's mom cooked for us all day
by the time we actually got around to dinner
I couldn't wait to plow through
all the deliciousness I'd been smelling.
I wanted to throw up
after I'd gorged myself into a food coma
with family in the next room
I held the mountain of fat inside me.
[then took laxatives before bed]
By morning they'd worked most of it out of me
I still gave in.
I'm not really mad at myself.
I've behaved very well these past weeks
worked out this afternoon.
I suppose one day won't kill me.
Now, though, it's back down to business.

Day 72

Pumpkin Pie - 290cals
Turkey Sandwich - 350cals
Miller Light - 290cals

Elliptical - 265cals

NET: 655

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Leg Envy

I wish
I wish
I wish
I had the legs for short-short skirts.
I've got one so short that the pockets hang out
but what I don't have
is the confidence to wear it.
I'd wear short skirts&dresses
with fun heels
all the time
if my legs were skinny.
I'm always pointing out
girls with tiny legs
to the boyfriend
(of course)
says they're too thin for his liking.
But I don't care
what he says or actually thinks
about the legs of girls I envy.
I'd have so much more fun
getting dressed every day
if I had those legs.

Day 71

Omelette w/ Turkey Sausage & Cheddar - 470cals
Mashed Potatoes w/ Corn & Gravy - 415cals
Green Bean Casserole - 110cals
Pumpkin Pie - 290cals

Walk - 150cals

NET: 1135

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Little TeaPot

Sometimes I fear I'll always be short&stubby.
I've got a stocky&muscular frame and
...though 5'3" isn't that short...
I feel like a chunky midget.
There was a time
when I was simply thought of as fragile&tiny.
My height was perfect for my little body.
And my size was merely mini.
I was the one everyone picked to
lift in games
fit in small spaces
give the clothes they could on longer fit in.
I'd like that feeling back.

Day 70

Mexican Chicken Soup - 110cals
Miller Light - 480cals

Walk - 200cals

NET: 390 [190]

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Office Outfits

When 1/3 of my week is spent in Office Attire
I want really badly to look good
in my DressPants&ButtonUps.
My favorite days are probably those spent in
classy dresses with great structure&textures
but I don't have a dress for every day
so I have to be able to pull off sexy separates.
I'm a big fan of more androgynous looks
with feminine accessories.
Thus, I obviously gravitate toward vests...
...the simplest thing to throw on.
A solid top half with a solid bottom half
definitely calls attention to my mid-section
and when that's feeling flat&fit
I like it to be showcased.

Day 69

Mexican Chicken Soup - 110cals
Brussel Sprouts - 170cals

Walk - 150cals

NET: 130

Monday, November 19, 2012


I weighed in at 129.0 on Saturday morning
(while wearing sweatpants & a hoodie)
which made my deficit days
seem so much more worth it.
I fell off the wagon on Sunday morning.
After an incredible week
relatively healthy weekend
I turned into a bottomless-CARB-pit
of beer&barfood
while watching football with the boyfriend.
I let the indulgences kick off my week
and allowed my Monday to be filled
with fat disgustingness.
At least I purged after most of my binges today...
and we set up our new elliptical
right next to my bed
so I WILL get back into the groove tomorrow.

The holidays are right around the corner
and an elephant-sized-me
will not be making appearances.

Day 68

Grilled Veggie Burrito Meal - 440cals
Fat Free Froyo - 200cals

Tootsie Rolls - 140cals
Baby Greek Salad - 130cals
Fat Free Cheddar Omelette - 145cals

Walk - 190cals

NET: 865 [565]

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Public Confidence

I've always been pretty shameless.
Even when I haven't felt
one ounce of confidence in my body:
I've been confident enough for public "nudity."
Since high school...
...I've been the first to strip down
to my bra&undies for some
play in the mud
street festival dancing
midnight swim with buddies.
I'm sure it's a defense mechanism.
If I seem super confident
maybe no one will notice my fat rolls.
But, I'd rather just be tiny,
so that when I strip down
I'll actually look good
when participating in public "nudity."

Day 67

Miller Light - 480cals
Popcorn - 180cals
Cheese Pizza - 175cals
Spicy Chicken Soup - 115cals
Tootsie Rolls - 140cals

Walk - 190cals

NET: 900

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Unnecessary Digestion

Oddly enough...
I kind of like that I haven't taken laxatives all week
and haven't gone to the bathroom too often
but I know it's simply because I've barely eaten.
I'm just trying to remember
that this takes time.
I won't immediately be tiny
from one week of deficits.
I won't have twig legs
from 5 days on the elliptical.
I won't have perfect digestion
after all the abuse I've given my body.
- eventually -
these habits will catch up with me
and I will love the result.
Just gotta keep pushin.'
And embracing my lack of digestible intake.

Day 66

Eggwhite Flatbread - 175cals
Chicken Corn Chowder - 140cals
Wedge Salad - 420cals
2 Miller High Life - 220cals

2hrs of Walking - 390cals

NET: 565

Friday, November 16, 2012

Deficit Week

My week has been full of Deficit Days.
I'm so impressed with myself.
Even without the excess of black coffee
I've managed to keep my intake down
bumped up my cardio
and finished each week day with a deficit.
I've had a few more cigarettes than I should,
but I never had to take a laxative.
I just need to keep it up through the weekend.
The boyfriend&I are picking up an elliptical
so I'll be able to burn in the morning
and then [hopefully] again at night.

Well, that's my plan.
And I must must must stick to it.
This holiday season & these holiday pictures
are sneaking up on me!

Day 65

Mexican Chicken Soup - 110cals
Romaine w/ Ranch & Croutons - 95cals

Exercise: Stairs&Walk -to 110cals

NET: 95 [0]

Thursday, November 15, 2012


I've got a packed closet
(that generally overflows into our bedroom)
with millions of clothes.
I often go through trying to find things to donate
but I always seem to justify
keeping nearly everything
and buying even more here&there.
So I made the decision today
that every time I have a naughty-indulgent-day
the boyfriend can donate something
(of his choice)
from my closet.
A little motivation not to fuck up...
...I'd like to get rid of my own clothes
when they're all way too big on me.
Today was not a Deficit Day.
It should have been.
I was at 310calories when I got to the gym
then burned 435 to ensure I handled it all.
Unfortunately, while waiting for my TV shows
my hunger got the best of me
and I had part of the baby-greek-salad
the boyfriend had bought me for dinner.
I suppose ending at 0 for Net
isn't the worst thing I could have done.

Day 64

Mexican Chicken Soup - 110cals
Caramel & Peanut Butter Froyo - 200cals
Baby Greek Salad - 125cals

Elliptical - 435cals

NET: 0

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Beach Days

The best thing about living in a warm climate is the constant knowledge that any day could turn into a beach day. A short trip to the coast and my body's bikini-clad on the ocean's shoreline. A few steps onto my back patio and I'm sun-soaking by the pool. It may not ever actually happen like that considering I don't have time to romp around in the sunshine ever... but it's the thought creeping around in my head that screams at me when I want to slam an entire key-lime-pie.
I was just telling the boyfriend the other day, though, that warm weather allows me to dress like a slob more easily. Unlike the winters of our college-days in Minnesota, I don't have to worry about fitting into skinny jeans or bothering with the clingyness of sweaters. But, instead, I can throw on an over-sized-tank with a bandeau-bra and flowy-skirt without stressing over the fit of my body inside the fabrics. So bikinis must remain on my brain. I may not find the time to wear them very often ...but at any moment I could be forced into one.

Day 63

Southwestern Chicken Soup - 120cals
Romaine w/ Ranch & Croutons - 80cals
Brussel Sprouts - 95cals

Stair Master - 200cals
Elliptical - 200cals

NET: -105 [-130]

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Adios, Silverware.

I had a silly friend ones who
threw away all her silverware
so she'd have nothing to eat with
when/if she was in a munchie mood.
If I lived alone - that might actually be a successful idea.

Day 62

Chicken Spaetzle Soup - 110cals
Romaine w/ Ranch & Croutons - 185cals
ChocolateChip PeanutButter Cookie - 80cals

Elliptical - 520cals

NET: -145

Monday, November 12, 2012

Fat Atlanta

While I did do a lot of walking this past weekend while visiting my college-best-friend in Midtown Atlanta, I'm sure it didn't cover all the calories in inhaled in drinks&munchies. Every meal was eaten out and even my healthiest choices made me feel like a fat cow in my leggings&cowl-neck-sweater at the Regina Spektor concert in the oh-so-beautiful Tabernacle.
(who - oddly enough - was much bigger than I thought she'd be ... but beautifully confident. If I didn't crave thin so deeply, I'd wish for her mindset.)
It was a wonderful weekend of indulgence, but now I need to get down to business before the holidays. I booked my train ticket home today and it's motivating me to lose.lose.lose for those Christmas pictures I'll end up in. So, I netted negative calories today and finally hit the elliptical hardcore again and I'm determined to keep it up.
My dear friend's scale was a terrible tease, too. I hopped on Saturday morning and it told me I weighed 119lbs, which is definitely not true. So sad. Soon (by the end of the year) I will. I have to.

Day 61

Chicken Spaetzle Soup - 140cals
Romaine w/ Ranch & Croutons - 190cals
Light Pumpkin Pie - 200cals

Elliptical - 460cals

NET: 70 [-80]

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Thinspo Journal

I keep a journal.
I write down my caloric intake
I simply write.
I cut thinspirational pictures
out of magazines
and create collages to thinspire my.
 When I'm feeling low
I write down what's aching.
 When I'm feeling huge
I write down how small I'd like to be.
 When I'm feeling hungry
I write down anything to distract myself.
It's getting really full.
...probably time for a new one...
Hopefully, when I start this new one:
it'll be more about maintenance than loss.

Day 60

Veggie Omlette - 180cals
Bacon Cheeseburger & Fries - 630cals
Mozzarella Sticks - 420cals

Walk - 100cals

NET: 1130 [1030]

Saturday, November 10, 2012


I used to have amazing sex
with this bartender in college.
She'd hit on my quite often while out with "my girls"
(none of whom thought I'd ever be interesting in her)
so one night I slipped her my number
told her to call when she got off.
when she did call
- heading over immediately
we both got off quite a few times.
I grew to look forward to the calls.
(much more than any calls from the men in my life.)
She'd always get up&leave before sunrise
- probably to go home to her girlfriend&roommates -
which didn't bother me
since I wasn't in a curry to show off our sex-life.
I was in it for the mind-blowing fuck-fests
with endless cardio...
...wrapped around her slender&fit body.
She motivated me to stay tiny, too.
With all the slamming&lifting she did in my bedroom
I didn't want to weigh our orgasms down.
 Some more good sex would be nice...
a sneaky affair makes me feel very sexy...
and feeling sexy makes me stay thin.

Day 59

Bloody Mary - 230cals
Juevos Rancheros - 210cals
Veggie Burger - 120cals
Side Salad w/ Ranch - 70cals
Hummus & Carrots - 75cals
Vodka & Soda - 120cals

Walk - 200cals

NET: 625

Friday, November 9, 2012

DeFlabbed Arms

I inherited my flabby arms from my mother.
I remember seeing a picture
of myself in high school
where I was leaning back onto my hands
with my upper arms pressed against my back
and the fat was bulging out beside me
which completely mortified me
and will forever motivate me
to keep my arms in shape.
genetics are not on my side.
The only times in my life
when my arms were good
were when I was young&athletic
with arms I never really thought about toning
and a few years ago
(at the height of my anorexia)
when the skin of my arms clung to my bones
instead of the fat that has built itself up again.
I know eventually the flab won't go away
and even if I lose the weight
my arms will sag&bulge
so I need to take control before they lose it.
I don't want fat arms in
a wedding dress
a bridesmaids dress
an office blouse
a beach bikini
I want my thin arms back.

Day 58

No Bake Cookie - 180cals
Chicken Breast - 110cals
Starbucks Oatmeal Cookie - 370cals
McD's Value Fries - 230cals

Walk - 150cals

NET: 740

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Fucking Paranoia

I got a little drunk last night at dinner
(two IPA's apparently are too much for me)
and decided to have
unprotected sex with the boyfriend.
I've been on birth control for almost 10 years
but that's never prevented my paranoia
from taking over
every time I've fucked anyone.
(well, besides the girls.)
So, when I realized what I'd done
and that this is my non-pill-period-week
I immediately started freaking myself out.
I've been throwing up my dinners and abusing laxitive
on&off for years
so I know the consistency&effectiveness
of my birth control is potentially fucked in general.
I bought my first Plan B pill
(wow, that things expensive!)
and took it immediately after work.
I can't throw up tonight
which makes me feel miserable&enormous.
But at least I won't be preggo...

Yet another reason I'd like to lose my cycle altogether.

Day 57

Romaine w/ Ranch & Grilled Chicken - 260
Chocolate Froyo - 90cals
Tootsie Pop - 60cals
Lemon Rice Soup - 120
Greek Yogert w/ Blackberries - 100

Walk - 150cals

NET: 480 [380]

Wednesday, November 7, 2012


I had a crush on her years ago
[back when I was tiny]
and I knew she had a crush on me
[but never did anything about it]
when I see her happy tweets
...falling in love with new girls here&there...
and I feel a little twinge of jealousy.
Then I remember, I only want her happiness.
And that I am happy myself.
[In a way ... with someone]
And that I had my chance and didn't take it.
And that she'd never have me now.
[being the FatSlob I am...]