I love how the people in my office always chose diet soda over regular. They don’t turn down the cookies, candy, bagels, or any other holiday treats brought in – but, it’s ok, cause their beverage choice is calorie-free.
"She suffered during every meal, I knew it deep in my gut, and I monitored her with unnatural attention.I felt her moods the way a blind man feels a face – some part of me was pressed up close against her, always, reading her, feeling the contours of her emotions, her thoughts, her moods, her hunger.She shrank at times from the grope of my intuition, but at other times she posed for it, holding herself up for my inspections, baring her misery like nudity that has put aside shame."
-quote from Eve's Apple by Jonathon Rosen
I think my boyfriend should read this book... but I think it would tell him too much about the things he won't admit.
I’d like comfort food – but nothing sounds good. That nasty feeling of a stomach filled with mucus from sinus drainage makes even the yummiest of things sound disgusting. I sit here – miserable at my desk – thinking of all the things I’d love to eat, knowing that they simply wouldn’t taste the same if I indulged in the midst of this illness. I really should just exercise… I don’t have time to sleep long enough to make the nap worthwhile with my busy schedule. Maybe, if I’m not coughing up my lung, I’ll simply avoid another meal and hit the gym.
I have a love/hate relationship with this cold I’ve caught.
Breakfast:GNC Complete Cleanse AM (60)
GNC Probiotic Packet (35) Lunch:1 cup sautéed Green Beans (60)
Dinner Roll (80)
Caesar Salad (200) Snack:1 mini Pecan Pie (180) Dinner:GNC Complete Cleanse PM (60)
It sounds silly, like, “whoa is the popular girl,” but I’d been pleasing everyone around me since I could remember. I did what I was told, but I always did what was necessary to stay on top in my high school social circle. I don’t regret my high school life at all, either. I was always busy, always involved, always spending time with different groups – ensuring I knew everything there was to know about the 500 people who walked the hall of my high school in order to properly perform my position as Year Book Editor-n-Chief. I’d never stopped to think, though, about what I actually wanted. And when I felt that empty feeling, I knew I wanted it.
Me weekend was full of events. -The boyfriends Employee Holiday Party -My Roommate's Birthday Party -Movie Night with The Girls I had french fries, spaghetti, garlic toast, and lots of booze. But I must have refrained enough... 130lbs on the scale this morning. Crackin' down again this week. Under 120 by December 25.
I discovered a certain suppliment when I was a junior in college. A friend of a friend mentioned that it would keep me awake during finals, so I tried it. It kept me awake, so I continued the regimen. About two weeks into my daily pill-popping routine, I noticed my clothes seemed looser. So I thought about it for a second: I haven’t been eating. I hadn’t even thought about eating. I was getting everything accomplished without having food even cross my mind. Looking back, I don’t feel I’d started an addiction – I just found something readily available that I enjoyed. If I didn’t have it, I was fine – I ate&slept like a normal person. If I did have it, I continued to shrink – from 125 to about 105 in a matter of months.
I can’t remember when I stopped – about a year later: I suddenly just “didn’t” anymore.
The current exam week, though, handed them back to me – 6 hours of sleep in 5 days with very littlefood intake – and I fell back in love with my beautiful old habit. Not sure I feel like searching&paying for more, but it’s been a pleasant blast from the past.
Breakfast:GNC Complete Body Cleanse AM (40)
GNC Fiber and Probiotic Blend Packet (35) Lunch:½ High Fiber Instant Oatmeal (80) Snack:Homemade Apple Crisp (170) Dinner:Panera Black Bean Soup (170)
GNC Complete Body Cleanse PM (40)
Very few people know that I’ve ever actually had a bout with ED – let alone that I’ve been ping-ponging back&forth between Ana&Mia for over 6 years. Some close friends know that - in the darker hours of my life - I lose my appetite and shrink down, but – being the head strong girl I am – none have every mentioned or accused… they simply wait for me to come out of it.
Last weekend, though – in the midst of drunken confession mode – I slipped to my boyfriend that all the barfing I’d done that night wasn’t a big deal to me. After puking my way from the bar bathroom to the parkinglot to his garage to his bathroom, he was worried that I was miserable – any normal person would be. But I assured him that I’d thrown upplenty in my life and it didn’t faze me anymore. I vaguely remember his semi-horrified expression through my blurry vision. The next morning, though, he didn’t mention a thing. Of course. He’s too wonderful to question me and I’m too strong to be questioned.
Maybe it’s a sign, though, that – in reality – everyone knows… They just keep their mouths shut while I pretend there are no issues.
So last night I had a little, mini-binge before purchasing GNC's 7-day Complete Body Cleansing Program. I've done this cleanse a couple of times and it really works wonders when I want to shrink my stomach down and get back to eating all natural foods.
It's oatmeal, fresh vegetables, lemon water, and aloevera juice for the next 7 days. If I want to get down below 120 for Christmas, I've got to do something serious this week. I didn't really want to go grocery shopping anyway.
I had a mia.mia.mia weekend. Out to eat for almost every meal with friends from out of town. Lots of “I have to pee” running-to-the-bathroom moments and slamming saline lax with water&coffee to flush all the garbage out.
I love leaving a small amount of leftovers. When I can take a meal I planned to eat in one sitting and still have some left for the next day – I slowly wean myself off of eating as much as I think I shouldORcould. I absolutely hate to waste food, though, so the couple bites I leave behind, I’ll save and eat the next day, which makes my next portion of leftovers even bigger until I’ve successfully saved a whole day’s worth of groceries on leftovers. I’m finally getting back into the good habit, too – and its benefitting.
I always tend to lose in the winter. I think about all the holidaypictures I’ll be in, all the clothes people will gift me, all the events to attend – its super motivating for me to lose. And, the control of constantly being surrounded by holiday treats and saying “no” to them gives me so much power. My bones may be buried under sweaters&scarves, but they protrude the most in the winter.