Wednesday, November 30, 2011


The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was a great source of thinsporation last night. I knocked out 200 crunches while watching their big-boobed*rib-caged*stick-legged bodies stomp down the runway. One girl’s joint between her leg and hip looked like Barbie’s – I swear there would have been the same distinct hollow crease had skin not been covering it. I want my bones to showprotrude – take over my being. I want abmuscles” because there’s nothing over my stomach but skinGot up and worked out at 6am today.  Feeling incredibly motivated.

Day 21


Lunch:1 cup Romaine (10)
2 cups Broccoli, Cauliflower, & Carrots (50)
5tbsp Fat Free Italian (40)
Fat Free Croutons (100)
1/4th cup Egg Whites (25)
Snack:Sunflower Seeds (160)
1 Cinnamon Roll (140)
Dinner:Green Bean Casserole (330)
Work Out:10min Elliptical (90)

Net: 745

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Beginning

I started throwing up my food my senior year in high school. I can’t say that I know what “triggered” it, though. I tend to get nauseous when I get really upset and one day – during the stress of college applications, prom planning, graduation preparation – I just threw up from simply feeling overwhelmed. I remember standing up straight over the toilet when I’d finished and noticing how empty I felt.
And I loved it.
I’d always been conscious of my body, but never truly worried about it, yet that empty feeling made me think: who will I be if I’m always empty?

Day 20


Lunch:1 cup Romaine (10)
2 cups Broccoli, Cauliflower, & Carrots (50)
5tbsp Fat Free Italian (40)
Fat Free Croutons (100)
1/4th cup Egg Whites (25)
Snack:Sunflower Seeds (160)
Homemade Brownie (120)
Dinner:Vegetarian Chili  (300)
10 Fritos Scoops (160)
Work Out:none (bad girl)

Net: 965

Monday, November 28, 2011

The Bagel Sneer

Around here, over-eating on office food is a must. Almost every day there’s a different treat: bagels, cookies, crackers&dip, donuts. Everyone flocks to the food, noting how they “haven’t eaten yet today” or “deserve a treat every now&then” and guiltily load up on the free garbage. When I first started in this office, I felt obligated – but once I realized the snacks just keep on comin’ I knew my waistline couldn’t handle appeasing my coworkers every time. Now, I never eat the snacks. Thus, I always get what I like to call: “the Bagel Sneer.” I pass on my way to the copy machine and if, by chance, no one cackles at me to devour a carb-monster, I get the stink-eye from the control-less creamcheese-spreaders. I’ve come to enjoy the power. They watch me shrink and I watch them grow. Someday, they’ll look back on the upcoming holiday pictures full of back-fat&fupas and wish they hadn’t been so indulgent at the office all the time.

Day 15-19


I was actually pretty good over the holiday weekend.
133lbs this morning.
Not bad.
Random, unhealthy meals - but not too many.
And a couple vomit-sessions.
Can't complain.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Sweaty Needs

I’m gaining.
137lb on the scale this morning.
What the fuck?
It’s not what I’ve been eating – cos that hasn’t been much. So, it must be my lack of workouts. Haven’t had time. Gotta find time. After this long holiday weekend – roadtrip, football games, and little/no food – I’ll get back into the gym.
I must.

Day 14


Breakfast:1 Banana (100)
Lunch:1 cup Romaine (10)
2 cups Broccoli, Cauliflower, & Carrots (50)
5tbsp Fat Free Italian (40)
Fat Free Croutons (100)
1/4th cup Egg Whites (25)
Snack:Sunflower Seeds (160)
Dinner:Vegetarian LoMein w/ Fried Rice  (300)
Work Out:none (bad girl)

Net: 785

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


I hate when I feel like I’ve hit a wall.
On top of the world:
eating minuscule amounts and throwing most of it up.
Watching the pounds fall off and starting to feel confident again.
Then life drops in front of me like a heap of bricks
laughing in my face:

you have no time to work out.
you have to eat for the holidays.
you’re gonna pack it all back on.
My Response:

I can’t.
This holiday will not get me.
Cos if I can make it through Thanks Giving maintaining self control – I can make it to my all of my goals. This holiday’s a holiday I’d rather forget about anyway. Nothing good happens on Thanks Giving for me these past few years, so I’m taking a roadtrip and avoiding food.  Every stop I make, I’ll have “already eaten” before.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I must do this.

Day 13

Breakfast:3” Subway Flatbread – Eggwhite (150)
Lunch:1 cup Romaine (10)
2 cups Broccoli, Cauliflower, & Carrots (50)
5tbsp Fat Free Italian (40)
Fat Free Croutons (100)
1/4th cup Egg Whites (25)
Snack:½ slice Coffee Cake (140)
Dinner:1 cup Spaghetti w/ Marinara  (200)
Work Out:none (bad girl)

Net: 715

Monday, November 21, 2011

Actual Benefits

Pre-Thanks Giving Potluck to “stretch our stomachs” in my Office
Current Activity:
Everyone is joking about throwing up the potluck food they just ate.
My Intake:
A salad with fat free dressing.
5 chips with bean salsa.
My Actions:
And I actually did throw it up.
My Thoughts:
These people are weak. – Hence why they’re all fat.

Day 12

Lunch:5 Tortilla Chips (60)
1 cup Black Bean & Corn Salsa (30)
10 Reduced Fat Wheat Thins (80)
1 cup Romaine Lettuce (10)
½ cup Broccoli & Califlower (10)
4 tbsp Fat Free Italian Dressing (30)
Snack:1 Deviled Egg (90)
Dinner:½ Qudoba Vegetarian Taco Salad (100)
Work Out: none (bad girl)

Net: 410

Friday, November 18, 2011

Tiny Vampire

Holy shit.
Talk about Thinspo.
I went to the midnight premier last night and I never want to eat again. Don’t want to give it away – but, let’s just say, there were lots of beautiful bones EVERYWHERE. Teeny Tiny cast of emaciatedly enchanting characters.

Day 11


Breakfast:½  slice Wheat Bread (50)
3tbsp Egg Whites (25)
Lunch:1 cup Progresso Zesty Vegetable Soup (60)
1 slice Wheat Bread (90)
1 cup Romaine Lettuce (10)
½ cup Broccoli & Califlower (10)
4 tbsp Fat Free Italian Dressing (30)
Snack:1tbsp Reduced Fat Peanut Butter (95)
2 cups Movie Theater Popcorn (100)
1 slice Diet Soda Cake (20)
Dinner:½ Qudoba Vegetarian Taco Salad (100)
Work Out:½  hour Stairs (150)

Net: 440

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Everybody's Dieting

Kind of ironic that at this time of year – the Holiday Season – it seems that everyone around me is dieting. I went to dinner with a guy-friend last night …a big-snuggly-teddybear guy… who’s suddenly on a strict diet. We had to have dinner at 8:30pm because he needed to work out first. We couldn’t have drinks with our meal because he’s on an alcohol break. We didn’t indulge in mayonnaise or cheese or french-fries because he’s basically living off chicken, veggies, and whole-grains.
It was strange.
I’m definitely not complaining. It made what little I ate much more acceptable, but it was an interesting experience. When the dinner conversation with a burley, manly-man consists of calorie counting&fat content, I know the world around me is on a diet.
He looks good, though. His hard work is paying off. And I didn’t gain a thing – even after falling asleep on a semi-full stomach.

Day 10


Breakfast:1 slice Wheat Bread (65)
6tbsp Egg Whites (50)
1tbsp ketchup (20)
Lunch:1 cup Progresso Zesty Vegetable Soup (60)
1 slice Wheat Bread (90)
Snack:1tbsp Reduced Fat Peanut Butter (95)
Dinner:Black Bean Burger Patty (100)
¼ Kaiser Poppyseed Roll (50)
4 Cracked Pepper Fries (45)
Work Out:½  hour Biking (120)

Net: 455

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Tricky Dinner

Last night, I was supposed to go out to eat with a friends before watching a movie. We were going to try this new Mexican place that opened near campus. I knew that I wouldn’t have time to work out, so I avoided dinner – stopped by my boyfriend’s in between errands to make sure I’d be late for dinner then went to rent the movie while everyone else ate.
Woops, I’ll just grab something from the grocery store while I’m out.
Of course, I didn’t.
132lbs this morning.
Good girl.

Day 9


Breakfast:1 slice Wheat Bread (80)
9tbsp Egg Whites (75)
Lunch:1 cup Vegetarian Chili (150)
1 slice Wheat Bread (90)
Snack:2tbsp Reduced Fat Peanut Butter (190)
Work Out:½  hour walk (90)

Net: 295

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Morning Workout

I prefer morning sex.
I feel skinny in the morning and my sleepy eyes & messy hair are flatteringly adorable.  My opinion, of course.  But my opinions are generally correct.  And I’ve never had someone NOT accept my morning advances – so something about me must be enticing.  Little baby whispers as I scratch his chest to wake up: “will you please fuck me?  And I’m anything but a pillow-queen, so as long as he's responsive – I’ll be all over the place doing work to get my morning fix …watching my own hipbones slide around the bed.  And I’m anything but quiet, so if anyone else is trying to sleep – they’ll wake up to my screams …whimpering my desires.
The harder the better.
More of a workout.
I always have and always will prefer morning sex.

Day 8

11.14.11(still recovering from my weekend...)

Breakfast:3” Subway Eggwhite Flatbread (160)
Lunch:8oz Broccoli Cheese Soup (160)
Homemade Salad w/ Fat Free Ranch (160)
Snack:½ bag Popcorn (60)
Dinner:Qudoba Vegetarian Taco Salad (no cheese or sc) (210)
Work Out:1 hour walk (150)

Net: 600

Monday, November 14, 2011

Stepping Alone

Eventually we’re not going to talk about this. We’re just going to look amazing. We’ll have healthy habits and workout routines and the topic won’t be a necessary discussion. That thought makes me happy. :)
I’ve said too much to my boyfriend.
We’ve discussed my diet, caloric intake, and exercise routine.
Too much for him to know.
Too many ideas for him to entertain.
The last thing I want is someone who questions my frailty
– wonders about my eating habits –
makes sure I’ve had my fill before a workout.
That is the last thing I want.

But I also don’t want to be
“healty” with “workout routines…”
I am in love with my habits
my mindsets
my strengths&abilities.
I will not let anyone mistake my love for a problem.
Thus, my love must be quieter.
I will be tiny.
Like I used to be.
Without letting anyone know that I want it so bad.
I’ll be mindlessly small – unaware of my stature.
Someone will tell me to “eat something
I’ll look at them in confusion...
...because I’m simply little – not starving.
“And so I went through the looking glass
stepped into the netherworld
where up is down and food is greed
where convex mirrors cover the walls
where death is honor
and flesh is weak.
It is ever so easy to go.”
-Marya Hornbacher Wasted

Days 5-7

I was a barstar this weekend.
Booze Booze Booze
And very little food.

Beneficial, I guess.
135 this morning.

Good girl.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Pizza Boy

Maybe I’ll wear a tight shirt today. It’s pizza day in the office, so if my shirt is tight, I won’t want to eat any.”
Or maybe you could simply practice self-control instead of relying on your clothing to keep you in check.”
This was the conversation between my boyfriend and I while I got ready for work this morning.
He’s right, though – I guess.
I know.
My mind tricks shouldn’t be necessary.
I know I shouldn’t have pizza.
I can’t have pizza.
The tightness of my shirt doesn’t change the fact that my fat body doesn’t need pizza inside it.
Self-control is what I will practice today.

Day 4


Breakfast:6 tbsp Liquid Egg Whites (50)
1 slice Whole Wheat Bread (70)
Lunch:½ cup Veggie Fried Rice (100)
3oz Veggie Lo Mein (70)
3 tbsp Liquid Egg Whites (25)
Snack:1 cup PuppyChow (300)

Work Out:30min Elliptical (hard) (358)
Net: 257

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Sisterly Influence

My sorority has never been known for being those cookie-cutter, teeny-tiny, perfect girls. That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t want to be known for that, though. Just after my initiation, we had a greek-wide pool event on campus. A few weeks prior, some of the seniors invited some of the newbies to lay-out with them. Tiptoeing toward my sisters, I watched them look me up&down. The rail-thin sweetheart of our neighboring fraternity sneered at me –
you know you can’t be FAT for the pool party.
I threw up my food that night and every night until my slightly smaller and much tanner belly debuted itself to the greek community. That senior was notably satisfied with my appearance.
Me - Pool-Party Time

Day 3

Breakfast:6 tbsp Liquid Egg Whites (50)
1 slice Whole Wheat Bread (70)
Lunch:½ cup Veggie Fried Rice (100)
3oz Veggie Lo Mein (70)
3 tbsp Liquid Egg Whites (25)
Snack:½ Veggie Egg Roll (95)
Dinner:2 cups Pure Almond Milk (70)
3 scoops Naturade Total Soy – Vanilla (225)
Work Out:20min Elliptical (186)
30min Step Aerobics (249)
Net: 270

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Dinosaur Back

My boyfriend says I have a dinosaur back.
And, actually, even with all the current meat on my bones, my back is incredibly bony.
Blame it on genetics – or, in my opinion, thank genetics.
He’s adamant that my bony back is a sign that I need to gain weight –
or, at least, not lose another ounce.

I’d like a dinosaur body, though, dear.
And you’ll snuggle and love it when it's bony all over.
I'm sure.

Day 2


Breakfast:6 tbsp Liquid Egg Whites (50)
½ Sesame Bagel from Panera Bread (180)
Lunch:Homemade Vegetarian Chili (225)
1 slice Wheat Bread (70)
Snack:Apple (55)
1 sliced Red Pepper (40)
Dinner:1 cup Vegetable Fried Rice (160)
1 glass Red Wine (100)

Work Out:40min Elliptical (379)
1.5hr Walk (300)

Net: 201

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Shaky Night

I found myself shaking before bed last night.

I’d only had a protein shake for dinner and done a ton of exercise. When my boyfriend came over to do homework, I felt like a little bit of a mess. He tried to tell me to eat something.
No way.
So, instead, I curled up and went to sleep. Poor guy – he probably wanted to actually spend time with me, but if being miserably awake would allow the food solution to creep into my psyche, sleep was the only answer.

Day 1

Breakfast:6 tbsp Liquid Egg Whites (50)
½ order left-over IHop Hashbrowns (160)
Lunch:Homemade Vegetarian Chili (150)
8 Club Crackers (140)
Snack:Apple (55)
Dinner:1 scoop Naturade Total Soy – Vanilla (75)
1 cup Silk Pure Almond Milk – Unsweetened (35)

Work Out:35min Elliptical (329)

Net: 334

Monday, November 7, 2011

Dairy Disaster

It should be disturbing how incredibly easy it has become for me to throw up my food.
But I don’t find it disturbing at all.
I’m actually quite satisfied when I’m able to get it all out of me.

About 20 minutes ago a woman in the office offered me some crackers with a southwest dip she'd made. Not wanting to be “that girl” I accepted and had a couple bites. When she sat the leftovers out in the common area with the recipe I walked over and read it.
Whole milk, butter milk, sour cream.
No way am I keeping that in me.”
So I didn’t.
A quick toilet sess at work and the mistaken acceptance won’t affect my waistline.
Pat on the back.

Week 1

I’ve done this so many times before – I know that I have to start slowly. I can’t simply STOP eating or I’ll relapse, give up, and hate myself until I decide to start over again. Thus, an intake of 900calories per day is my limit this week. And 300calories per day must be burned.
Since I absolutely hate to waste food – I’ll be finishing the few groceries I have left.

instant oatmeal

left over IHop
vegetarian chili
vegetable soup
1 bag of popcorn
two apples
egg whites
Naturade Soy - Vanilla
and almond milk

My will-power is strong and I’m incredibly determined again. Just wait and see. I’m back to my habits and I won’t fuck up.
See you later, 140lbs. I’ll never come near you again.


After a year of running, I’ve moved back to where I started.
After a year attempting to “get better” I’ve fallen back in love with my habits.
I’ve re-connected with my friends: Ana&Mia.
From now on, we will do nothing but succeed [together] – with self-control&discipline.

This blog is to make me keep track of myself.
Whether anyone reads or not.
I will publicize my habits.
I will remind myself to stay in check.
I will not hide behind anything.
I loved myself the most when I was “unhealthy.”
I plan to get back there.
Objections will simply be ignored.
My will-power rises above any criticism.
My desires over-ride any obstacles.

The beautiful girl in this body lies BeneathBones.