Monday, December 31, 2012

NYE Anxiety

The boyfriend&I were invited to a neighbor's
New Years Eve party
A couple who generally makes me feel uncomfortable.

Tall-Dark-Handsome guy
Stick-Skinny-Fashionista girl

both of whom shamelessly look both of us up&down
and tonight will be no exception.
I'm sure their friends are very similar to them...
all the ones I've met so far have seemed to be.

.short dresses & high heels.
.long&beautiful hair with long&thin legs.

I'm not looking forward to being around that all night.

I hope to be the tiny&gorgeous girl at the party...

Day 110

Everything Bagel Sandwich - 500cals
Pineapple Pizza - 250cals
Italian Salad - 250cals
Bean Dip & Chips - 250cals
Night Life:
Chardonnay - 350cals

Dance - 300cals

NET: 1300 [1100]

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Drinking Meals

So much drinking lately.
(meals out with girlfriends - holiday parties - etc)
I'm ready for the holidays to be over
so I can eat&drink like a normal person again.
My brother came to town
so we went out
(like usual)
and drank the majority of our calories.
By 8pm, I'd only BarHopped&DrankBeer.
I have no desire to drink again
till, like, St. Patty's Day.
Not only is it so awful for me
but it also makes me not want to work out at all.
I guess it's good that I barely ate today, though.
I drank my calories instead of eating.
But I'd rather not do that anymore.

Day 109

Chips & Guacamole - 300cals
Bud Light - 400cals

Walk - 300cals

NET: 400

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Weight Wishes

Ever since I can remember wishing on anything
Fallen Eyelashes - 11:11 - Birthday Candles
I've wished for weight loss
which is incredibly silly
because it's all about my control&effort
not the wishes I make
that cause my to shape up & drop pounds.
When it comes to wishing, though
that seems to be all I can think of.

Day 108

CornedBeefHash Omelette - 460cals
Chips&Salsa - 170cals
Hot Tamales - 140cals
Cheese Bread - 440cals

Stairs Run - 430cals

NET:  780

Friday, December 28, 2012

Secret Obsession

Over the holidays I got together with some girlfriends.
One of them has lost a significant amount of weight
since college.
We had dinner at a Italian restaurant
all she talked about was wanting to order something delicious
but that she couldn't allow herself to get FAT again.
After she'd downed a couple dirty martinis
she munched off everyone's plates
sloppily shoveling carbs
between her pink, smudged lips.

I saddened me.

I created this blog so I could keep my obsession to myself.
I've been up&down
and people have noticed.
I've lost&gained
and people point it out.
(one of my girlfriends actually mentioned that:
I'm looking thinner at our Italian dinner.)
But whether I'm chubbyORtiny
I keep my thoughts to myself
never spew my weight-loss desires
weight-gain fears under wraps.

Day 107

Black Bean Burger - 350cals
Waffle Fries - 150cals
Fresh Mozzarella, Tomato, Basil, Balsamic Vinegar - 200cals
Dirty Martini - 100cals

Walk - 200cals

NET: 600 [550]

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Naughty 105-106

Bagels w/ Full Fat Cream Cheese
Pizza w/ Ranch
Crackers w/ Cheese
Burritos w/ Queso


I had two days
of naughty-naughty dairy-filled binge-eating.

After behaving so well over the holiday
and weighing in at 127lbs on Christmas Eve
I fucked up and ate around 5000calories
in two short days!

What the fuck is wrong with me!?
I laid in bed with my boyfriend
and slammed anything&everything that sounded good.
I guess knowing I plan to give up dairy
made me desperate to eat all I could before January.

I still can't believe what I did.
But I must accept it and move on.
Nowhere to go, but up from here.

Days 103-104

Christmas Eve:
Protein Shake
BBQ Meatballs
CreamCheese-CornedBeef-Pickle Roll-Ups

NET: (probably around) 500cals

Christmas Day:
Blueberry Coffee Cake
Tons of Coffee

NET: (probably around) 1000cals

Friday, December 21, 2012


For about two weeks now
the boyfriend&I have been pulling two-a-days.
6am & 7pm workouts
My morning workouts are basically light aerobics
and the evening is hardcore
as I am to make sure I work off any/all calories I ate
throughout the day.
I’m not always so good at actually holding up my end of the plans.
I guess, though, I’ve been eating pretty well
(minus candy – here&there)
because I’ve been making gigantic batches of spicy chicken soup
every Sunday afternoon
and dividing it into lunch portions for my entire week
which really helps me control my intake.
Now, though, is the Holiday Weekend...
let's see how this goes.

Day 100

Navy Bean Soup – 130cals
Greek Salad w/ Pita Bread – 260cals
Zimtsterne Cookies – 170cals
Romaine w/ Black Olives & FF Dressing – 100cals


Elliptical – 400cals

NET: 260

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Old Pants

So, a couple weekends ago I discovered
a box in the back of my closet
filled with clothes.
When we moved,
I packed a box of clothes with holes&rips
that I hoped to fix someday
then obviously forgot about.
I was excited when I found it,
cause I’d just been thinking
that I needed some new jeans and
instead of buying any –
I simply fixed some old ones that fit perfectly well.
Well, maybe not so perfectly
since I put on some weight
since I bought most of those jeans
hence why I've been able to live without them.
Today, I’m wearing one of the pairs I patched up
– a pair of purple skinnies I bought in college.
I distinctly remember wearing them to the bar 2 summers ago
and they were so tight I couldn’t button them
I left it undone
put a belt on to cover the opening.
When I put them on this morning,
they were loose around the waist
a full hand can fit
between the front button and my belly.
I feel incredibly satisfied by this.
And I hope soon:
they'll be TOO BIG.

Too bad there are so many holiday treats around
causing me to stumble lately.
Who has chocolate for breakfast!?
A fat girl who definitely won't have loose pants
come January!
C'mon... gotta get it together right now.

Day 99

Dark Chocolate & Raspberry Squares - 170cals
Spicy Chicken Soup - 110cals
Chips & Guacamole - 385cals
Romaine w/ FF Raspberry Dressing - 100cals
CornedBeefHash Omelette - 300cals

Walk - 150cals

NET: 915

Wednesday, December 19, 2012


I started tanning again.
I know, it seems strange to go to a tanner when you live in a year-round warm-weather climate, but I simply don’t have time to go outside and tan enough. Instead, I started going at the gym, which isn’t the most convenient cause I don’t want to be all tanning-lotioned-up before my work out or shower then get in the tanner after a hard workout. So I’ve been doing light cardio and a tan in the mornings before work, then my intense cardio at night. It’s a lot of driving, but it’s worth it to look the way I want to look. And, since I don’t want to tan at my hardcore evening gym time, it forces me to get up in the morning.
Unfortunately, the first time I decided to go, the only bed open was a stand-up and I burned the shit outa my armpits. After soothing myself with aloe for a weekend, I’m sticking with relaxing laydown beds and thoroughly enjoying the results.
I also had to go on and get some new lotions. A facial one to help my zitty-nastiness and a great bronzer to help speed up the process.
I always feel skinnier when I’m tan.
And my facial complexion gets better
which is great.
Before I know it, I’ll be a tiny&tan beauty again.
Can’t wait.

Day 98

Spicy Mexican Soup - 110cals
Fat Free Frozen Yogert - 270cals
Romaine w/ Peppers & FF Italian - 125cals

Elliptical - 505cals

NET: 0

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Factory Girl

I saw this movie ages ago
and I found
all the art & stick-thin models
completely beautiful&inspiring.
(and thinspirational - of course)
I need to rent it again.
It's dark yet thought-provoking
It's, well, just great.

Day 97

Spicy Chicken Soup - 110cals
Almonds - 200cals
Romaine w/ Cottage Cheese & Croutons - 205cals

StairMaster - 175cals
Elliptical - 480cals
Cycling - 55cals

NET: -195

Monday, December 17, 2012

My Scale

My mother who’s been feeding into my weight obsession since I can remember – sent me her old scale in the mail and I finally received it over the weekend. She claims it’s entirely accurate – having weighed in at home then heading directly to the doctor’s office to find the same weight – so I’m excited to actually use this scale. It’s so inconvenient to use the gym scale. In one of my three gym location options, the scale is in the office, so I have to ask to use it. No thanks. And in the other two, it’s right in the middle of the weight-lifting machines. It’ll be nice to have a good scale to keep track of myself on. I put it right next to my desk (where I sit down to type all these posts) so it’s a nice, little motivator&reminder.
And, even after my awful weekend, I weighed in on Monday morning and I’d lost .5lbs. woohoo. I guess one blown weekend didn’t completely kill me.
Now I just have to convince myself to only do Monday weigh-ins instead of hopping on and checking a million times a day.

Day 96

Spicy Chicken Soup - 110cals
Almonds - 110cals
Romaine w/ Cottage Cheese & Croutons - 260cals
Pumpkin Pie - 200cals

Elliptical - 350cals

NET: 330 [130]

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Holed-Up Weekend

The boyfriend&I basically ate the same meals two days in a row this weekend. The same naughty meals. Since we were basically out of groceries and decided to hole up inside doing Christmas decorating&wrapping instead of leaving the apartment, we had to make do with what we had in our fridge&cabinets. I’d bought some corned beef hash & fat free cheese slices, so omelets were a must. And the bag of potatoes under our sink turned into a couple different side dishes. And Jack’s pizza – my absolute favorite kind of frozen pizza – go us through the one lunch we decided to break&eat. The worst thing I indulged in was an entire brick of cream cheese with pretzel chips. If I’d have avoided those, I probably would have been a lot better off. I had a couple purges throughout the weekend and walked up&down my apartment stairs, so I probably netted less than 4,000 for the weekend, but that’s still pretty terrible. I guess as long as I’m well-behaved the entire week, I’ll survive one naughty naughty weekend.

Days 94&95

CornedBeefHash Omelets w/ FF Cheddar – 670cals
Jack’s Pizza w/ Ranch – 430cals
Preztel Chips w/ Cream Cheese – 2000cals
Oatmeal Cookies – 380cals
Fried Potatoes – 240cals
Loaded Baked Potato – 530cals
Side Salad – 135cals
Baked Beans – 280cals

NET: 4665cals

Friday, December 14, 2012

Flirtatious Motivation

We went out for drinks with the boyfriend’s flirtatious-friend tonight. For the first time, I didn’t worry about what I was going to wear in front of him… though I enjoy the attention from an attractive man, I’m very much over his attention. Ironically enough, he seemed even more interested in my loose-fitting black jeans&hoodie than normal. But, I still wasn’t fooled by his attention. He flirted with the girl who checked out I.D.’s then took forever to order his drink because he insisted on asking our waitress a million questions (though he always gets the same drink). No matter who he’s flirting with, though, attention is nice. It’s great to be looked at – really looked at … even semi-judged … with a detailed investigation of my body. It kept my from eating anything more than half the boyfriend’s order of french fries and one Long Island Iced Tea. And the thought of young, men looking at me in a bar made munching on anything once I got home seem like a disgusting idea. I guess, whether it’s a flirtatious-man-whore or my-own-boyfriend, attention is a great motivator.

Day 93

Spicy Mexican Soup – 112cals
Roasted Almonds – 160cals
Pretzel Crackers – 33cals
French Fries – 155cals
Long Island Ice Tea – 185cals

Run – 250cals
Walk – 100cals

NET: 295

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Boyfriend Disposal

The boyfriend has been trying to hardcore diet
which means he plans to have protein shakes
for breakfast&lunch
then soup&salad for dinner
with morning workouts 3x a week
and nightly weight training.
The thing about him, though, is that:
he talks a big talk
but since we've been together
he's never followed through.
So when he complains about
how starving he is mid-day
I can give him most of my meal
and he quickly takes it without realizing
that if he's eating it... I'm not.
Works for me.
Lots of workout time
and someone to eat my food before I can.
Now if only he'd go to the gym with the good tanner
I'd be in heaven!

Today, of course, we both did a little munching.
A vendor brought in pizza
and I successfully avoided it
but he brought home twizzlers&milkduds
a coworker had handed out.
And I ate too many calories worth of both.

Day 91

Spicy Chicken Soup - 110cals
Twizzlers - 140cals
Milk Duds - 80cals
Romaine w/ Cottage Cheese & Croutons - 260cals

Elliptical - 490cals

NET: 100 [-30]

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Bilson Thinspo

Ever since my high school days of watching The O.C.
I’ve thought Rachel Bilson was adorable.
She’s so petite&sassy
I always love the rolls she plays in.
Obviously, I’m a big fan of Hart of Dixie on the CW
mostly so I can see the cute outfits
she puts on her tiny frame.
She’s incredibly sexy
even though she tends to play
not-obviously-sexy characters
so it’s always like a breath of fresh air
with rediculously hot sex scenes
like the one in The Last Kiss.

Day 90

Spicy Chicken Soup - 110cals
Godiva Dark Chocolate Truffles - 100cals
Romaine w/ Cottage Cheese & Croutons - 260cals

Cycle - 150cals
Stair Master - 50cals
Elliptical - 300cals

NET: 30

Monday, December 10, 2012

One Year Woops

My One Year Anniversary came&went
and I didn't even realize it.
I had a goal to lose by that date
(November 7th)
but I definitely didn't make it to
whatever goal that was...
That's seems to by how it's been going with me
for years.
I set goals
and dates to reach them by
then the dates come&go
and the fat stays right where it is.
I really really wish I'd just
get my shit together.
I entirely sure that I'm on the right tract
but I have to make sure I
keep it up
for good
this time.

This morning's weigh-in:

Day 89

Veggie non-dairy Gumbo - 300cals
FF Greek Yogurt - 70cals
Romaine w/ Cheese & Croutons - 200cals

Elliptical - 350cals

NET: 220

Sunday, December 9, 2012


So I discovered the other day
that I could change the background
of my gmail inbox.
So, obviously, I switched it to:
little girls eating ice cream
to remind myself:
what not to do.
No eating naughty treats all day.

Day 88

Turkey Sausage & Cheddar Omelette - 180cals
Wheat Pancakes & Syrup - 200cals
Mashed Potatoes - 120cals

NONE - laziest Sunday EVER

NET: 500

Saturday, December 8, 2012


She may have driven my crazy on Gossip Girl
(thank god she’s “in Europe” now)
but she’s a great source of thinsporation
with grungy&edgy style.
And “Make Me Wanna Die” is a one great track
to rock&work out to.
Yep, Taylor Momsen makes me wanna
cake on the eye-liner
slip into some sloppy&ripped clothes
and take on the world.
Soon, I’ll be doing so in a thin-thin-thin body, too.

Day 87

Mexican Chicken Salad - 110cals
Romaine w/ Croutons & Ranch - 110cals
Pineapple Pizza - 200cals
Hersey Kisses - 220cals

Run - 300cals

NET: 340 [240]

Friday, December 7, 2012

Thin Again

I know. I know.
I say the same shit over&over.

I've had a sudden burst of motivation.
I'm flying into Chicago
for a Girls' Reunion
over New Years
and I want to be the
skinniest girl in the group again.
I used to be the one
who everyone would tell to
"eat a hamburger"
with a lip-sneer
while examining my body.
I used to be the one
to lay over everyone
in the backseat of the DD's car.
I was the tiny one.
And I will be again.
Major deficit today.
I know I fall off the wagon here&there
but days like these let me know that
I've still got it
I can still do this
and I will.

Day 86

Brussel Sprouts - 80cals
Banana Bread - 70cals
Dark Chocolate - 45cals
Fat Free Cottage Cheese - 80cals
Multigrain Tortilla Chips - 140cals

Elliptical - 440cals
Walk w/ Stairs - 100cals

NET: -125 [-265]

Thursday, December 6, 2012

VS Frame

is always a great source of thinsporation
and this year was no exception
though I thought the musical performances
(including the amazing&sexy Rihanna)
were more heavily showcased than
the thin, scantily-clad runway models.
I love how lean&muscular the girls are
instead of being complete beanpoles
Mostly because I think my body is more likely
to look like that than boney.
I was texting my best friend during the show
she pointed out that I always have muscle definition
even when I’m barely working out
so I should “aim for a VS body.”
Haha – good dream.
I guess that’s something to aim for.
My 5’3 body will never have those long&lanky legs
but I will be that tiny&toned.

Day 85

Brussel Sprouts - 80cals
Dark Chocolate - 45cals
Ruby Tuesday's Salad Bar - 100cals
Ruby Tuesday's Zucchini Cakes - 275cals

Walk w/ Stairs - 100cals
Elliptical - 200cals

NET: 200

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Party Cheats

Tonight was my office Holiday Party
at a fancy Italian restaurant.
I probably would have done better
if there hadn't been an open bar.
I simply can't resist wine.
Food wise...I think I did pretty well.
Once I'd downed 3 glasses of wine
I couldn't resist dessert.
And tirimisu is one of my favorites.
Since it was about an hour from home
I was able to hit the gym after the drive,
so I worked the elliptical during Nashville.
(and burned some cals during post-dinner sex)
Have to start doing better.
These little cheats here&there are going to add up.
Weigh-in next Monday.

Day 84

Spicy Chicken Soup - 110cals
Italian Salad - 150cals
Balsamic Glazed Salmon - 150cals
Tirimisu - 220cals
Wine - 210cals

Walk w/ Stairs - 150cals
Elliptical - 200cals

NET: 490

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Bad Horoscope

This was my horoscope today...
You may have been a bit obsessed with self-discipline lately. That may be because you overindulged in some way awhile ago and it came back to haunt you. Maybe you went on an ice cream binge and gained several pounds you can't seem to lose. Maybe you splurged a bit too often while shopping and now you're still paying the piper. Whatever it was, though, it's time to give yourself a break. You learned your lesson. Indulgence is good for the soul now and then, as long as you can keep moderation in mind.
Fuck that.

Day 83

Brussel Sprouts - 80cals
Spicy Chicken Soup - 110cals
Dark Chocolate - 50cals
Romaine w/ FF Italian & Veggies - 100cals

Elliptical - 470cals

NET: -110

Monday, December 3, 2012


I've been MIA for a minute.
.messed up computer.
.out-of-town family visits.
.booze-filled weekends.
So I'm pampering myself tonight
to bring me back to life.

Deep Conditioning Treatment
Freshly Shaved
Teeth Whitening

Nothin' like a good-ole-fashion
night of spoiling
to motivate myself into getting
back in the game.

.Feeling Pretty leads to Getting Skinny.

Day 82

Navy Bean Soup - 130cals
Greek Salad - 140cals
Birthday Cupcake - 100cals
Beef Taco - 200cals
Whole Grain Waffles - 160cals

Walk w/ Stairs - 150cals

NET: 580