AntiMunchDrunk

Just after I bitched

about booze making me a munchie-monster

I spent today's late afternoon&evening at the bar

with some coworkers watching college bowl games.

The last thing I did was munch.

Got an order of french fries and ate about three.

Though I probably should have munched on more them

because the alcohol definitely got to my brain&body

faster than I'd expected

and

I found myself falling out of the bar

and

ripping my favorite pair of black jeans

...

the ones that make legs look teeny-tiny

even though they aren't.

Oh well.

At least I only drank my calories

instead of both drinking&eating them.
And we had to walk about 10 blocks home,
so that was a nice bit of exercise.

Day 79

Lunch:
Kids Naked Chicken Burrito - 135cals
Snack:
Roasted Almonds - 100cals
Dinner:
French Fries - 25cals
Beer - 500cals

Exercise:
Walk - 300cals

NET: 460

Booze Munchies

Oh, Booze...

you make me such a fat-nasty-munch-monster.

The worst things about holidays is all the drinking

cause when I drink - I want to eat

...

and if there's food around - I will slam it.

Frustrating.

Why can't I just be the drunkorexic of my college days!?

Day 78

Lunch:
Chicken & Veggie Soup - 140cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ Ranch & Croutons - 150cals

Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs - 100cals

NET: 190cals

Mindless Aid

I discovered a certain ADD medication's effectiveness as an appetite suppressant about 4 winters ago during the stress of college exam week. I was looking through old pictures yesterday to see how rapidly the effects took hold after I'd started using. I suppose I'd been losing since that summer, but I was certainly much more unknowingly bony once I'd started my regimen. For about a year, I never functioned without their help, but then I decided to behave...

...and with a normal appetite came lots of cravings.

Maybe I should find a psych for a prescription.

I need the mindless help back.

Day 77

Lunch:
Chicken & Veggie Soup - 140cals
Dinner:
Brussel Sprouts - 60cals
Dark Chocolate - 60cals

Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs - 100cals
Elliptical - 200cals

NET: -40

Intake Neglect

I've been neglecting my intake log.

I know all that I've eaten

so I've got to fill in my gaps

but I'm dreading facing the over-indulgences.

Oh well.

Gotta do it.

I had an interesting talk with the boyfriend today.

He was explaining his diet plan to me

and mentioned BMR.

(the metabolic rate of a resting body)

So I went online and figured mine out.

Apparently

my body requires 1400 calories

to simply function.

So apparently

if I net 0 calories every day

I would lose almost 3 pounds a week.

Obviously, this is motivating.

I'd like to make sure I always burn what I eat,

so that whatever my body must burn to function

will simply be take the pounds off in time.

Day 76

Lunch:
Chips & Guacamole - 225cals
Carrots - 50cals
Dinner:
Mashed Potatoes - 240cals
French Baget - 75cals

Exercise:
Elliptical - 200cals
Walk - 100cals

NET: 290

Shopping Thinspo

I've been online Christmas shopping

like a mad woman

making sure I've got everything

in time to ship my gifts for Christmas.

I can't help but finding things I want, too.

So, I allowed myself to buy:

two sexy pairs of heels

and a cute pair of Lauren Conrad earrings.

Hopefully, I'll feel sexy soon

(and find skinny jeans to wear)

so I can rock to heels with confidence.

Nothing like a good buy for motivation.

Day 75

Lunch:
Chicken Speatzle Soup - 120cals
Dinner:
Veggie Pesto Soup - 100cals
Whole Grain Baget - 360cals
Dessert:
Pumpkin Pie - 470cals

Exercise:
Elliptical - 300cals
Run - 150cals

NET: 600

Day 74

Lunch:
Chips & Dip - 280cals
Mashed Potatoes - 240cals
Dinner:
Broccoli & Galic Sauce - 300cals
Fried Rice - 270cals
Dessert:
Pumpkin Pie - 280cals

Exercise:
NONE

NET: 1370

Naughty Need

This was a naughty day.

I had a good family friend in town

who wanted to munch all day.

(thanks a lot to a certain substance)

So, after a hearty breakfast

at a cute place around the corner

we snacked on salty&sweet

then fed our lasting chinese addiction.

It was a wonderful day

with a wonderful person

and wonderful food.

But I can't do that too often.

Day 73

Breakfast:
Greek Omlette - 270cals
Lunch:
Pistaccios - 170cals
Dark Chocolates - 500cals
Dinner:
Broccoli & Garlic Sauce - 300cals
Fried Rice - 270cals

Exercise:
Walk - 200cals

NET: 1310

ThanksGivingFatty

I didn't want to over-indulge on Thanks Giving

but

it happened anyway.

The boyfriend's mom cooked for us all day

and

by the time we actually got around to dinner

I couldn't wait to plow through

all the deliciousness I'd been smelling.

I wanted to throw up

after I'd gorged myself into a food coma

but

with family in the next room

I held the mountain of fat inside me.

[then took laxatives before bed]

By morning they'd worked most of it out of me

but

I still gave in.

I'm not really mad at myself.

I've behaved very well these past weeks

and

worked out this afternoon.

I suppose one day won't kill me.

Now, though, it's back down to business.

Day 72

Breakfast:
Pumpkin Pie - 290cals
Lunch:
Turkey Sandwich - 350cals
Dinner:
Miller Light - 290cals

Exercise:
Elliptical - 265cals

NET: 655

Leg Envy

I wish

I wish

I wish

I had the legs for short-short skirts.

I've got one so short that the pockets hang out

but what I don't have

is the confidence to wear it.

I'd wear short skirts&dresses

with fun heels

all the time

if my legs were skinny.

I'm always pointing out

girls with tiny legs

to the boyfriend

who

(of course)

says they're too thin for his liking.

But I don't care

what he says or actually thinks

about the legs of girls I envy.

I'd have so much more fun

getting dressed every day

if I had those legs.

Day 71

Breakfast:
Omelette w/ Turkey Sausage & Cheddar - 470cals
Dinner:
Mashed Potatoes w/ Corn & Gravy - 415cals
Green Bean Casserole - 110cals
Dessert:
Pumpkin Pie - 290cals

Exercise:
Walk - 150cals

NET: 1135

Little TeaPot

Sometimes I fear I'll always be short&stubby.

I've got a stocky&muscular frame and

...though 5'3" isn't that short...

I feel like a chunky midget.

There was a time

when I was simply thought of as fragile&tiny.

My height was perfect for my little body.

And my size was merely mini.

I was the one everyone picked to

lift in games

or

fit in small spaces

or

give the clothes they could on longer fit in.

I'd like that feeling back.

Day 70

Lunch:
Mexican Chicken Soup - 110cals
Dinner:
Miller Light - 480cals
[THROW UP]

Exercise:
Walk - 200cals

NET: 390 [190]

Office Outfits

When 1/3 of my week is spent in Office Attire

I want really badly to look good

in my DressPants&ButtonUps.

My favorite days are probably those spent in

classy dresses with great structure&textures

but I don't have a dress for every day

so I have to be able to pull off sexy separates.

I'm a big fan of more androgynous looks

with feminine accessories.

Thus, I obviously gravitate toward vests...

...the simplest thing to throw on.

A solid top half with a solid bottom half

definitely calls attention to my mid-section

and when that's feeling flat&fit

I like it to be showcased.

Day 69

Lunch:
Mexican Chicken Soup - 110cals
Dinner:
Brussel Sprouts - 170cals

Exercise:
Walk - 150cals

NET: 130

HopBackOn

I weighed in at 129.0 on Saturday morning

(while wearing sweatpants & a hoodie)

which made my deficit days

seem so much more worth it.

I fell off the wagon on Sunday morning.

After an incredible week

and

relatively healthy weekend

I turned into a bottomless-CARB-pit

of beer&barfood

while watching football with the boyfriend.

Shamefully,

I let the indulgences kick off my week

and allowed my Monday to be filled

with fat disgustingness.

At least I purged after most of my binges today...

and we set up our new elliptical

right next to my bed

so I WILL get back into the groove tomorrow.

The holidays are right around the corner

and an elephant-sized-me
will not be making appearances.

Day 68

Lunch:

Grilled Veggie Burrito Meal - 440cals
[THROW UP]

Snack:

Fat Free Froyo - 200cals
[THROW UP]
Tootsie Rolls - 140cals

Dinner:

Baby Greek Salad - 130cals

Fat Free Cheddar Omelette - 145cals

Exercise:

Walk - 190cals

NET: 865 [565]

Public Confidence

I've always been pretty shameless.

Even when I haven't felt

one ounce of confidence in my body:

I've been confident enough for public "nudity."

Since high school...

...I've been the first to strip down

to my bra&undies for some

play in the mud

or

street festival dancing

or

midnight swim with buddies.

I'm sure it's a defense mechanism.

If I seem super confident

maybe no one will notice my fat rolls.

But, I'd rather just be tiny,

so that when I strip down

I'll actually look good

when participating in public "nudity."

Day 67

Breakfast:

Miller Light - 480cals

Lunch:

Popcorn - 180cals

Cheese Pizza - 175cals

Dinner:

Spicy Chicken Soup - 115cals

Snack:

Tootsie Rolls - 140cals

Exercise:

Walk - 190cals

NET: 900

Unnecessary Digestion

Oddly enough...

I kind of like that I haven't taken laxatives all week

and haven't gone to the bathroom too often

but I know it's simply because I've barely eaten.

I'm just trying to remember

that this takes time.

I won't immediately be tiny

from one week of deficits.

I won't have twig legs

from 5 days on the elliptical.

I won't have perfect digestion

after all the abuse I've given my body.

But

- eventually -

these habits will catch up with me

and I will love the result.

Just gotta keep pushin.'

And embracing my lack of digestible intake.

Day 66

Breakfast:
Eggwhite Flatbread - 175cals
Lunch:
Chicken Corn Chowder - 140cals
Dinner:
Wedge Salad - 420cals
2 Miller High Life - 220cals

Exercise:
2hrs of Walking - 390cals

NET: 565

Deficit Week

My week has been full of Deficit Days.

Perfect.

I'm so impressed with myself.

Even without the excess of black coffee

I've managed to keep my intake down

bumped up my cardio

and finished each week day with a deficit.

I've had a few more cigarettes than I should,

but I never had to take a laxative.

Now

I just need to keep it up through the weekend.

The boyfriend&I are picking up an elliptical

so I'll be able to burn in the morning

and then [hopefully] again at night.

Well, that's my plan.

And I must must must stick to it.

This holiday season & these holiday pictures

are sneaking up on me!

Day 65

Lunch:
Mexican Chicken Soup - 110cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ Ranch & Croutons - 95cals
[THROW UP]

Exercise: Stairs&Walk -to 110cals

NET: 95 [0]

Clothes&Zeros

I've got a packed closet
(that generally overflows into our bedroom)
with millions of clothes.
I often go through trying to find things to donate
but I always seem to justify
keeping nearly everything
and buying even more here&there.
So I made the decision today
that every time I have a naughty-indulgent-day
the boyfriend can donate something
(of his choice)
from my closet.
A little motivation not to fuck up...
...I'd like to get rid of my own clothes
when they're all way too big on me.

Today was not a Deficit Day.

It should have been.

I was at 310calories when I got to the gym

then burned 435 to ensure I handled it all.

Unfortunately, while waiting for my TV shows

my hunger got the best of me

and I had part of the baby-greek-salad

the boyfriend had bought me for dinner.

I suppose ending at 0 for Net

isn't the worst thing I could have done.

Day 64

Lunch:
Mexican Chicken Soup - 110cals
Snack:
Caramel & Peanut Butter Froyo - 200cals
Dinner:
Baby Greek Salad - 125cals

Exercise:
Elliptical - 435cals

NET: 0

Beach Days

The best thing about living in a warm climate is the constant knowledge that any day could turn into a beach day. A short trip to the coast and my body's bikini-clad on the ocean's shoreline. A few steps onto my back patio and I'm sun-soaking by the pool. It may not ever actually happen like that considering I don't have time to romp around in the sunshine ...like ever... but it's the thought creeping around in my head that screams at me when I want to slam an entire key-lime-pie.

I was just telling the boyfriend the other day, though, that warm weather allows me to dress like a slob more easily. Unlike the winters of our college-days in Minnesota, I don't have to worry about fitting into skinny jeans or bothering with the clingyness of sweaters. But, instead, I can throw on an over-sized-tank with a bandeau-bra and flowy-skirt without stressing over the fit of my body inside the fabrics. So bikinis must remain on my brain. I may not find the time to wear them very often ...but at any moment I could be forced into one.

Day 63

Lunch:
Southwestern Chicken Soup - 120cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ Ranch & Croutons - 80cals
Brussel Sprouts - 95cals
[THROW UP]

Exercise:
Stair Master - 200cals
Elliptical - 200cals

NET: -105 [-130]

Adios, Silverware.

I had a silly friend ones who

threw away all her silverware

so she'd have nothing to eat with

when/if she was in a munchie mood.

If I lived alone - that might actually be a successful idea.

Day 62

Lunch:
Chicken Spaetzle Soup - 110cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ Ranch & Croutons - 185cals
Snack:
ChocolateChip PeanutButter Cookie - 80cals

Exercise:
Elliptical - 520cals

NET: -145

Fat Atlanta

While I did do a lot of walking this past weekend while visiting my college-best-friend in Midtown Atlanta, I'm sure it didn't cover all the calories in inhaled in drinks&munchies. Every meal was eaten out and even my healthiest choices made me feel like a fat cow in my leggings&cowl-neck-sweater at the Regina Spektor concert in the oh-so-beautiful Tabernacle.

(who - oddly enough - was much bigger than I thought she'd be ... but beautifully confident. If I didn't crave thin so deeply, I'd wish for her mindset.)

It was a wonderful weekend of indulgence, but now I need to get down to business before the holidays. I booked my train ticket home today and it's motivating me to lose.lose.lose for those Christmas pictures I'll end up in. So, I netted negative calories today and finally hit the elliptical hardcore again and I'm determined to keep it up.

My dear friend's scale was a terrible tease, too. I hopped on Saturday morning and it told me I weighed 119lbs, which is definitely not true. So sad. Soon (by the end of the year) I will. I have to.

Day 61

Lunch:
Chicken Spaetzle Soup - 140cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ Ranch & Croutons - 190cals
Snack:
Light Pumpkin Pie - 200cals
[THROW UP]

Exercise:
Elliptical - 460cals

NET: 70 [-80]

Thinspo Journal

I keep a journal.

...sometimes...

I write down my caloric intake

.usually.

I simply write.

&often&

I cut thinspirational pictures

out of magazines

and create collages to thinspire my.

 When I'm feeling low

I write down what's aching.

 When I'm feeling huge

I write down how small I'd like to be.

 When I'm feeling hungry

I write down anything to distract myself.

It's getting really full.

...probably time for a new one...

Hopefully, when I start this new one:

it'll be more about maintenance than loss.

Day 60

Breakfast:
Veggie Omlette - 180cals
[THROW UP]
Lunch:
Bacon Cheeseburger & Fries - 630cals
Dinner:
Mozzarella Sticks - 420cals

Exercise:
Walk - 100cals

NET: 1130 [1030]

BartenderNights

I used to have amazing sex
with this bartender in college.

She'd hit on my quite often while out with "my girls"

(none of whom thought I'd ever be interesting in her)

so one night I slipped her my number

and

told her to call when she got off.

And

when she did call

- heading over immediately - 

we both got off quite a few times.

I grew to look forward to the calls.

(much more than any calls from the men in my life.)

She'd always get up&leave before sunrise

- probably to go home to her girlfriend&roommates -

which didn't bother me

since I wasn't in a curry to show off our sex-life.

I was in it for the mind-blowing fuck-fests

with endless cardio...

...wrapped around her slender&fit body.

She motivated me to stay tiny, too.

With all the slamming&lifting she did in my bedroom

I didn't want to weigh our orgasms down.

 Some more good sex would be nice...

a sneaky affair makes me feel very sexy...

and feeling sexy makes me stay thin.

Day 59

Breakfast:
Bloody Mary - 230cals
Lunch:
Juevos Rancheros - 210cals
Dinner:
Veggie Burger - 120cals
Side Salad w/ Ranch - 70cals
Snack:
Hummus & Carrots - 75cals
Vodka & Soda - 120cals

Exercise:
Walk - 200cals

NET: 625

DeFlabbed Arms

I inherited my flabby arms from my mother.

I remember seeing a picture

of myself in high school

where I was leaning back onto my hands

with my upper arms pressed against my back

and the fat was bulging out beside me

which completely mortified me

and will forever motivate me

to keep my arms in shape.

Unfortunately,

genetics are not on my side.

The only times in my life

when my arms were good

were when I was young&athletic

with arms I never really thought about toning

and a few years ago

(at the height of my anorexia)

when the skin of my arms clung to my bones

instead of the fat that has built itself up again.

I know eventually the flab won't go away

and even if I lose the weight

my arms will sag&bulge

so I need to take control before they lose it.

I don't want fat arms in

a wedding dress

or

a bridesmaids dress

or

an office blouse

or

a beach bikini

...

I want my thin arms back.

FOREVER.

Day 58

Breakfast:
No Bake Cookie - 180cals
Lunch:
Chicken Breast - 110cals
Starbucks Oatmeal Cookie - 370cals
Dinner:
McD's Value Fries - 230cals

Exercise:
Walk - 150cals

NET: 740