Every Day

I don't know about a "better person"

but a tiny person

is definitely someone I should try to be

every single day.

And I do mean: Every Single Day.

I should be productive

and limit my intake

and exert more energy through exercise

every day

without questions or excuses.

I am trying very hard.

Day 416

Breakfast:
Carrots - 100cals
Lunch:
Hard Boiled Eggs - 150cals
Snack:
Pumpkin Seeds - 100cals
Dinner:
Chips & Queso - 350cals

Exercise:
Elliptical - 400cals

NET: 300

Shopping Decisions

I've been shopping lately

which probably isn't the smartest thing

since I now own an expensive house

but I just can't help myself.

I feel so unmotivated to get thin

when I'm not excited about my own closet

so I tell myself that buying something new

will make me want to look good to wear it.

Like these cute witch boots that need thin legs:

It's also a great distraction.

I went out for a snack mid-afternoon today

and instead of buying anything naughty to eat

I went for a little shopping trip.

Two size small dresses for a small price.

Motivation to get thinner for them.

Now I just need more tights&cardigans.

Day 415

Lunch:

Taco Salad - 100cals

Quesadia - 200cals

Snack:

Celery w/ Ranch - 100cals

Dinner:

Soup w/ Bagette - 250cals
Late-Night Snack:
Mozzarella Sticks - 300cals
[THROW UP]

Exercise:

Walk w/ Stairs - 300cals

NET: 350

Purge&Lax

I had broken blood vessels last week

and mouth sores this week.

They're gross&embarrassing

but external proof of my internal satisfaction.

For a while I'd convinced myself not to purge.

I told myself I'd controll my intake

I told myself I'd burn calories through work-outs

instead of throwing-up&laxitive-abuse.

I'm just not losing, though.

So, I've given up on behaving.

I like purging my binges.

I like emptying myself in the morning.

I try&try&try and never shrink...

mia creates more results.

Day 414

Breakfast:
Coffee
Lunch:
Beef Patty w/ Green Olives - 300cals
Vegetable Soup - 100cals
Dinner:
Taco Salad - 200cals

Exercise:
Elliptical - 200cals

NET: 400

HalloweenThin

I woke up Saturday morning feeling empty&small.

The feeling occurs much more often lately.

Finally.

I've gotten it together.

I've gotten my drive back.

I've gotten by head back in the right place.

I believe in myself.

I believe in my ability.

I believe in my self-control.

Weigh-In: 125.5lbs

Unfortunately, I didn't look as small as I felt.

The pictures don't showcase my efforts.
Thunder Thighs & Bloated Belly
...gross...

Pictures from now on definitely will.

Days 411-413

Day 411

Lunch:

Lemon Rice Soup - 150cals

Baby Greek Salad - 150cals

Dinner:

Wine - 500cals

Exercise:

Furniture Moving & Cleaning - 200cals

Dancing - 200cals

Day 412

Lunch:

Bacon & Cheddar Omelette - 300cals

Snack:

Chips & Queso - 200cals

Dinner:

Bacon & Pineapple Pizza - 300cals

Exercise:

Walk w/ Stairs - 200cals

Day 413

Breakfast:

Hummus & Celery - 150cals

Lunch:

Carrots - 50cals
Hard-boiled Eggs - 100cals

Dinner:

Mexican Gumbo - 200cals
Homemade Turkey Taco - 200cals
[THROW UP]

Exercise:

Eliptical - 200cals

NET: 1300

Healthy Fridge

This has been my theory

since I'm moving into a new house

with a brand new fridge.

I plan to only fill it with healthy food.

Tomorrow is our Housewarming Party.

All the treats I'm making will be healthy.

You know, to counteract the booze intake.

And once the party is over

it's back to a thin-friendly fridge.

Day 410

Breakfast:
Coffee
Half Bagel w/ Cream Cheese - 150cals
Lunch:
Cheese Ravioli w/ Pesto Sauce - 300cals
Dinner:
Beer - 200cals

Exercise:
Moving & Cleaning - 200cals


NET: 450

Running Fail

Unfortunately that whole "more miles" part

will not be completed through running.

I kept hoping my knees would get better...

but they just haven't.

Everytime I run, they get worse

and I can't move for days.

And no matter how my I envy my runner-friends

I know I can't ruin my body

especially when they're are other activities

that will do my just as much good

and when lack of intake

is what I really need.

Cycling&Eliptical it is.

I can do this.

I will complete the whole "more sweat" part.

This past weekend was full of marathons

and pictures of runners blew up my facebook.

The girl below went to high school with me.

She was never super chubby

but always a little overweight.

Now, though, she's obviously not

as proven by this marathon picture.

From 2008-2013 her thighs have turned to twigs

and her shoulders are so teeny.

I really need to get my shit together.

I want random highschool classmates to see me

and be overwhelmed by my tiny frame.

Day 409

Breakfast:
Bagel w/ Cream Cheese - 300cals
Lunch:
Sushi - 200cals
Dinner:
Turkey Burger - 200cals
Deli Meat - 100cals
Exercise:
Elliptical - 200cals

NET: 600

Weekend Thinspo

The boyfriend&I attended weddings

two weekends in a row this month.

I really wanted to look great for the first one.

One of his best friends got married

and I wanted him to feel proud to show me off

to all his friends&family.

Even after having Mirena put in

(one of the most painful experiences of my life)

and being on my period

I felt small&thin in my form-fitting dress

and though almost every female guest

at that wedding was tiny

I was confident enough to dance&enjoy.

The next wedding wasn't as big of a deal.

A bunch of my sorority sisters

who have gotten fat since graduation.

Besides my closest girlfriend

the rest of them are much bigger than me

and seeing the ones I can't stand

looking all rolly-polly was very satisfying.

Now I have to look good for Halloween.

Oy, thinspo.

I guess I can't complain about the motivation.

Day 408

Breakfast:

1/2 Bagel w/ Cream Cheese - 100cals

Lunch:

1/2 Bagel w/ Cream Cheese - 100cals

Dinner:

Wine - 200cals

Exercise:

Moving Furniture - 150cals

NET: 250

Adorable Blair

I've been inspired to watch Gossip Girl again.

I could watch the whole series

from beginning to end

over&over without blinking an eye.

I love the first season

...before the silly drama starts...

and I especially love episode 9

(the Thanksgiving episode)

in which Blair wears my favorite dress

and her mia struggle takes center-stage

and they have that adorable tub scene.

I've really wanted to shop lately

...fall fashion, you know...

but I've refrained

(too fat to buy new clothes)

and decided to collect my inspiration instead.

Blair has the best clothes

and she was so small in season one.

Someday, I hope to have these dresses

and those tiny thighs, please.

Day 407

Breakfast:
Latte - 100cals
Lunch:
Mostaccilio - 150cals
Pickle - 10cals
Snack:
Croutons - 50cals
Dinner:
Italian Sub - 200cals

Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs & Hills - 250cals

NET: 260

Old Habits, New Look

I haven't purged in a long time.

Sure, I've done a lot of binging

but I haven't purged the binges.

Today, though, I couldn't stop myself.

After a weekend of stretching my stomach

and forgetting my adderal at home

I was in a munchie mood all day.

I ate my healthy salad

then proceeded to get chips&guac and froyo.

As I walked up the stairs I realized:

I have to throw this up.

So I did.

And boy am I out of practice.

I spewed it past the toilet and out my nose.

Disgusting.

Not only did I have to clean up

but my nose is congested and eyes all puffy.

Maybe it will teach me not to binge at all.

Bursted Blood Vessels

I also haven't change the look of my blog

...not once in almost two years.

Unfortunately, my photo editor quit working

so I can't match that bright pink filter anymore.

Now, though, my blog matches my personality

...I was never really very girly or bright.

And now I can start posting personal photos again

since I've been unable without an editor.

New Template Cover

Day 406

Lunch:
Salad w/ Cheese - 250cals
Snack:
Chips & Guacamole - 200cals
Vegan Froyo - 150cals
[THROW UP]
Dinner:
Pizza - 350cals
[Throw Up]

Exercise:
Elliptical - 200cals

NET: 600

Workout Fails

 I save all these pictures to my computer

then I never actually use them.

What a lazy person I've become.

"Walk w/ Stairs"

is my exercise every day.

And that's only because I encounter stairs

in my office & my parking structure.

I've been failing.

I need to stop.

I need to take these pictures to heart.

I need to work out.

I will not have a Fat Winter.
...this weekend I did full-body-weights
with the boyfriend...
and I weighed in at 126.5lbs.
Gotta keep up!

Days 404-405

Day 404
Breakfast:
Corned Beef Hash & Eggs - 350cals
Dinner:
Taco Bell - 500cals

Exercise:
Full Body Weights - 200cals
Walk/Run w/ Hills - 200cals

Day 405
Lunch:
Corned Beef Sandwich - 300cals
Dinner:
Cheese Bread - 300cals
Cupcake - 200cals
Beer & Wine - 200cals

Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs - 300cals

NET: 1150

Amazon Thinspo

My most recent Amazon Order:

An alarm clock for my guest bedroom

and some new books!

I've been reading a quirky holiday-themed

murder-mystery series by Leslie Meier lately

but I wanted some books with more depth.

And - obviously - some thinspo.

Day 403

Breakfast:
Pumpkin Muffin - 200cals
Lunch:
Celery w/ Hummus - 100cals
Dinner:
Apple - 50cals

Exercise:
Long Dog Walk - 250cals

NET: 100

Adderall Fact

This is very true...

especially for my recent week.
When attempting to "get back in the game"
a little help is always appreciated
and when I feel like I'm running on empty
Addy keeps me motivated&functioning
(and literally empty)
which makes me feel so hopeful.
Last night the boyfriend&I got together
with our newly-married couple-friends
(I've refered to the wife in previous posts)
http://beneathbones.blogspot.com/2013/04/running-goals.html
and today was her first day back to nursing.
She talked about her 4 days of 12-hour shifts
and claimed "I'll be too tired even to eat!"
Of course not.
You're tiny, adorable, and newly married, girl
...you would have the best exuce not to eat.
I plan to be too busy to eat.
I actually was last night...
I went to get artwork framed for our new house
and got lost in craft-store-world
for about 2 hours
which cut out dinner time.
.Apples&Wine instead.

Day 402

Breakfast:
Pumpkin Muffin - 200cals
Lunch:
French Fries - 200cals
Dinner:
Chips & Nacho Cheese - 200cals

Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs - 300cals

NET: 300

Fall Muffins

I need to make some yummy fall muffins

- Pumpkin & Spices & Vegetables -

to remind me of home

and remain healthy.

They say if you insist on carbs

you should eat them in the morning.

So I'll have a breakfast muffin

...then behave.

Day 401

Breakfast:

Coffee

Lunch:

Celery w/ FF Ranch - 200cals

Dinner:

Apples & Wine - 200cals

Exercise:

Walk to Gym - 200cals

Elliptical - 200cals

NET: 0

Control Decision

I didn't get the job I interviewed for

even though I was perfect and really wanted it.

I barely live in the house I bought

because I can't do all the moving alone.

Yet I'm almost always there alone

since the bf moved home for his dying mother.

My $110 hair color did not turn out like I'd imagined

after I went out of my way for my favorite hair girl.

It's all out of my control.

But my weight doesn't have to be...

...my meals don't have to be.

I will not gain another pound.

I will starve and control my intake.

I will look the way I want to.

It's the only thing I can handle.

Weigh-In: 128lbs

Day 400

Breakfast:
Carrots - 35cals
Lunch:
Carrots - 70cals Dinner:
Salad - 200cals
Exercise:
Long Neighborhood Walk - 250cals

NET: 55

Wasted Weekends

...this is how I've acted lately.

Reverting back to my wasted college days.

Fucking&Partying my way through life.

Spiraling&Misbehaving without a care.

I got hammered at friends' weddings...
two weekends in a row

face-planted on the sidewalk

giving myself a goose egg & scraped knees.

At least when I acted this way in the past:

I was tiny.

Now I'm just a disgusting mess...

and embarrassing disaster.

If I'm going to be out of control

I better be small enough to carry to safety.

Days 394-399

Day 394
Breakfast:
Apple - 80cals
Lunch:
Salad w/ Hard Boiled Eggs - 220cals
Dinner:
Soup w/ Bagette - 200cals

Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs - 200cals

Day 395
Breakfast:
Chili - 200cals
Lunch:
Salad w/ Turkey - 200cals
Dinner:
Taco Bell - 500cals

Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs - 200cals

Day 396
Breakfast:
Salad w/ Italian - 200cals
Lunch:
Chili - 200cals
Dinner:
Pizza - 200cals
Salad - 200cals
Wine - 200cals

Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs - 200cals

Day 397
Breakfast:
Diet Coke
Lunch:
Kettle Cooked Chips - 150cals
Dinner:
Pasta & Potatoes - 200cals
Wine - 500cals

Exercise:
Dance - 500cals

Day 398
Breakfast:
Bagel w/ Cream Cheese - 300cals
Lunch:
Chinese Food - 300cals
Dinner:
Western Omelette - 200cals
Brownie - 150cals

Exercise:
Moving - 200cals

Day 399
Breakfast:
Egg Whites & Turkey Sausage - 150cals
Lunch:
Greek Salad - 200cals
Dinner:
Sushi - 150cals
Key Lime Pie - 300cals

Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs - 200cals

NET: 4500

A Beautiful Page

I found this a while ago...

...and forgot about it.

It honestly fits me perfectly.

I swear someone wrote it for me.

Oddly, it reminds me of something

someone's written to me before...

she was unstable&unhealthy&obsessed

but she always had my happiness in her heart.

I wish the same for her

though she'll never hear it from me.

Day 393

Breakfast:

Hard-Boiled Eggs - 300cals

Lunch:

Tukey Wrap - 200cals

Snack:

Chocolate - 150

Dinner:

Taco Bell - 1000

Exercise:

Walk w/ Stairs - 200cals

NET: 1450

Jeans vs. Bikinis

In my home state it's becoming Fall.

Jeans with sweaters weather.

I'll always admit that I miss it.

But nothing beats constant bikini weather.

I don't think I'd be happy with myself

if I had to squeeze myself into jeans right now.

I think I'm definitely one of those people

who look better without clothes.

And, like I said, I'd rather be in bikinis.

Days 389-392

Day 389
Breakfast:
Coffee - 10cals
Lunch:
Salami - 200cals
Apple - 80cals
Dinner:
Pizza - 150cals
Salad - 150cals
Beer - 200cals

Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs - 200cals

Day 390
Breakfast:
Eggs - 150cals
Bacon & Sausage - 200cals
Lunch:
Chocolate Mousse - 150cals
Dinner:
Salad - 150cals
Veggies - 200cals
Wine - 500cals
Shots - 200cals

Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs - 200cals
Dancing - 500cals

Day 391
Breakfast:
Eggs w/ Corned Beef Hash - 300cals
Lunch:
Pizza - 500cals
Dinner:
Hummus & Pita - 200cals
Dessert:
Puppy Chow - 200cals

Exercise:
Moving & Cleaning - 200cals

Day 392
Breakfast:
Tune Melt - 200cals
Lunch:
Tukey Wrap - 200cals
Snack:
Popcorn - 100cals
Chocolate - 100cals
Dinner:
Bagel w/ Cream Cheese - 200cals

Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs - 200cals

NET: 3040

BodyMotivation

I don't really believe this.

I gain thinsperation whenever I'm out&about

seeing other girls with awesome bodies I envy.

But, I guess my body is my best motivation.

When I catch a glimpse of myself that I hateORlove

I feel a lot more inspired.

Day 388

Breakfast:
Cafe Mocha - 200cals
Lunch:
Chips & Guacamole - 200cals
Dinner:
Chicken Pot Pie - 250cals
Grapes & Nuts - 200cals


Exercise:
Walk w/ Stairs - 200cals


NET: 650

Sleep Diet

I don't get enough sleep...

...haven't since I can remember.

I'm a busy body.

a GO-GO-GOer

which doesn't leave much room for rest.

But now that I've moved into my new house

and set up my brand new memory foam bed

I think sleep has become a priority...

...especially if I lose 11lbs.

Day 387

Breakfast:
Cafe Mocha - 200cals
Lunch:
Chips & Guacamole - 200cals
Chicken Breast - 100cals
Dinner:
Boneless Wings - 300cals

Exercise:
Moving Furniture - 200cals

NET: 600

Yuck

I know it's rude to say, but:

Fat people GROSS ME OUT.

I saw a show centered on this guy disgusted by fatties.

...I think it was something on Bravo.

I couldn't help but relate.

Especially when they start having&raising FAT KIDS.

America is unhealthy enough...

no one should pass on their horrible habits

or embrace their disgusting roles.