No Candy

I've been incredibly well behaved
this Halloween season.

2 Now&Laters

.that's it.

Very impressive - if I do say so myself.
I even turned down the RootBeer DumDum
my corner-convenience-store-guy gifted me with.
[clever since he's a constant witness to my diet soda addiction]

Tonight I handed out candy to Trick-Or-Treaters

and actually started giving 2 of each away

to make sure I wouldn't have any leftovers.

I will be thin this holiday season.

I will be small by Thanksgiving.

I will be tiny by Christmas.

That's all there is to it.

Day 49

Lunch:
Brussel Sprouts - 165cals
Bouillon Cube - 5cals
Snack:
Activia - 70cals
Pickle - 10cals
Dinner:
HoneyBBQ Chicken - 210cals
Eggs - 180cals

Exercise:
Walk - 100cals

Net: 540

Unquestionable Cold

My cold is back.

And this time I'm trying to keep it.

I like being sick.

People don't question the eating habits

of a sick girl.

My boyfriend watched me have

half a cup of hot water with 1 Chicken Bouillon Cube

for lunch today.

And [instead of judging] he sympathized with my sniffled.

Cold showers.

Runs in the Cold evening air.

Undies without a blanket next to a Cold blowing fan.

Absolutely no Cold medicine.

I will remain sick.

It is good for me.

It will keep my thin.

Day 48

Lunch:
Hot Water & Chicken Bouillon Cube - 5cals
Snack:
Fat Free Chocolate Froyo - 90cals
Dinner:
Brussel Sprouts - 170cals
Fried Eggs - 180cals

Exercise:
Walk - 90cals
Run - 75cals

Net: 280

Thin&Gossip

 Tonight:
another episode of the final season of GossipGirl.

An excellently thinsporational show.

Beautiful-Rich-Fashionable-Partying Girls

Skinny-LongLegged-WellDressed-Desirable Bodies

Everybody wants them.

Everybody wants to be them.

My reason: they're thin.

From the very first book

years&years ago

with Blair in all her bulimic glory...

...I've been in love with GossipGirl.

Day 47

[obvs didn't follow through on the fasting.]

Breakfast:
Activia - 70cals
Lunch:
Activia - 70cals
Dinner:
Chips, FatFree Cheese, & Salsa - 385cals
[THROW UP]

Exercise:
Walk - 75cals

Net: 450 [150]

Breast Overflow

I despise when my breasts spill out of my bra.

fat

fAt

FAT

...they are too fat to fit...

I am disgusting.

Overflowing&Enormous

I must get back to when I fit.

I must fit.

Bras are too expensive to buy more of...

thin is cheaper.

A thin body's breasts will not spill over its bra.

Day 46

Breakfast:
Scrambled Eggs - 150cals
Biscuit & Gravy - 150cals
[THROW UP]
Lunch:
Loaded Baked Potato - 500cals
Snack:
Chips & Salsa - 150cals
Dinner:
Mashed Potatoes & Corn - 250cals
[THROW UP]

Exercise:
Walk - 200cals

Net: 700 [300]

Naughty-Naughty-Naughty Sunday
Tomorrow = Fasting

Attention&Vomit

Generally my thoughts just go:

I must be thin.

But sometimes I think:

what led me to this mindset?

I guess I can point some of it toward

my senior year in high school.

I'd put on a little weight at the beginning of that year.

(chubby cheeks & lots of layered clothes)

- incredibly uncomfortable in my own body -

And I had a hot new science teacher

- a classmate of my oldest brother
&
recent grad of my future university -

who gave me some attention...

...but not enough.

As my bulimia took hold

and my body started shrinking

I got what I wanted.

.from lots of sources.

And

- from that time on -

I knew what I needed to do for attention

(though I'm sure I'd known for a long time)

and I willingly accepted any/all drastic measures.

That teacher is married now.
(I think to the women he'd been dating back then.)
But he definitely liked to give me attention
- I've gotten inappropriate attention from a lot of men over the years -
and it all made me want to
shrink shrink shrink
down to nothing.

Thus, I think:
I must be thin.

Day 46

Breakfast:

Pineapple - 25cals

Activia Strawberry Banana - 70cals

Fried Eggs - 180cals

Lunch:

Pumpkin Pancakes - 200cals

[THROW UP]

Dinner:

Cheese Ravioli - 530cals

Snacks:

Pumpkin Seeds - 140cals

York Peppermint Patty - 50cals

NO EXERCISE - FAT DISGUSTING SATURDAY!

Net: 1200 [200]

Flatten Out, Please.

I'm eating well.

Working out.

Dropping weight.

Feeling smaller.

.Still.Looking.Soft.

love handles & belly flab

...you are a FAT PIG.

I remember reading once

(when I was younger)

that Britney Spears did 500 crunches a day
to keep her tummy flat.

I need to start that.

(not that I aspire to be Britney
but I do aspire to have the Slave-For-You-Body.)

[only thinner]

Day 45

Lunch:
Naked Vegan Burrito - 475cals
Dinner:
IPA Beer - 350cals
[Liquid Calories]

Exercise:
Run - 240cals
Dance - 95cals

Net: 490

Stay&Starve

I've been in much better relationships...

...especially one

so much more fulfilling

than the one I'm currently in.

But those are over&done

...chased some all the way across the globe

and out of contact completely.

So this is easy

[if I ignore things]

and right in front of me

persuading me to plaster a smile on

...let my desires&disappointment eat my appetite

...let my memories&hopefulness swallow my hunger

and shrink till I've found it easier

to leave than to stay

...letting my bones carry me away.

Day 44

Breakfast:
Activia Light Peach - 70cals
Lunch:
Mongolian BBQ - 400cals
Dinner:
Salad w/ Ranch&Croutons - 210cals
[THROW UP]

Exercise:
Elliptical - 360cals

Net: 320 [220]

Writing Chair

When I write these posts

I sit on a rickety-old-wooden-chair in front of an antique desk.

- a matching set from my boyfriend's grandmother -

It motives me to sit on something so fragile.

As I shift, it creaks.

As I fold my legs, I feel the bones of my body

pressing into the hard wood.

It takes a small person to fit so perfectly in such a small chair.

Someday, I hope it doesn't even notice my presence.

Day 44

Lunch:
Romaine w/ Red Pepper&Onion&Ranch - 130cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ RedPepper&Onion&Ranch - 130cals
Crunchy Salad Toppers - 25cals
Grilled Chicken - 30cals

Exercise:
Elliptical - 360cals

Net: -45

[finally weighed in- 130.2lbs -still not under 130 ...damnit.]

Controlled Posts

I like to keep my posts to a minimum.

Daily Food Log

and

One "Me"

If I allowed myself to post every time/thing I thought,

I'd ramble

and

no one would read it.

(not that anyone is anyway.)

Sometimes I want to post a million times a day.

But - also - sometimes I want to eat an entire pizza.

So, I'll control myself.

All aspects...

...constant control.

Another "controlled" aspect of my life:

I don't own a scale.

I have to weigh myself at the gym.

So, if I'm not hitting the gym till the end of the day,

I know I must control myself till my weigh-in...

...a little added motivation to starve the day away.

Though I've been doing "great" controlling

my cigarette&laxative intake

I had one cigarette after my dinner binge today

and I've been taking stool softeners ever night

(including the occasional mineral oil [laxitive])

so my control could be better...

...better by just not eating!

Day 43

Lunch:
Cucumber & Italian Dressing - 150cals
Activia Light - 70cals
Dinner:
3 Pumpkin Pancakes - 260cals
Taco Dip & Chips - 150cals
1 cigarette
[THROW UP]

Exercise:
Run - 200cals

Net: 430 [80]

Fat Thighs

I tell myself my thighs are toned.

I tell myself they're muscular...

...so it's ok that they're ginormous.

NOT TRUE.

They're fat&flabby.

.Disgusting&Lumpy.

I need some serious dates with the elliptical

and the stairs

and the streets

to run my huge-fucking-thighs off.

Day 42

Lunch:
Romaine & Italian Dressing - 130cals
Snack:
Vegan Chocolate Icecream with Peanut Butter - 230cals
[THROW UP]
Dinner:
Taco Dip & Tortilla Chips - 160cals
Egg Beater Omelette - 200cals

Exercise:
Walk - 100cals

Net: 620cals [520]

the Process

3 summers ago:

I fell in love with a fellow-camp-counselor,

but we were both in other relationships.

(Just before moving away - we both broke them off.)

Last summer:

I was back

and we were single

so a summer fuck-fest-fling began.

Come fall:

the efforts ended

and my pride got in the way

of attempting to get more.

Now:

We live on opposite ends of the East Coast.

I'm taken.

He's single.

(I think of him, though.)

A few nights ago:

"I miss you." - him

"Too bad there's so much distance." - me

"Someday. Trust the process." - him

Day 41

Breakfast:
Poached Eggs - 150cals
Hashbrowns - 75cals
Wheat Toast - 100cals
[Hangover Carbs ... #TailgatingProblems]
Lunch:
Pumpkin Pancakes - 150cals
Poached Eggs - 250cals
WHITE BREAD - 150cals
[THROW UP]
Dinner:
Lemon Rice Soup - 150cals
LateNightSnack:
Thin Crust Pineapple Pizza - 300cals
[THROW UP]

Exercise:
Run - 150cals

Net: 1354 [575]

Prada&Sickness

Watched The Devil Wears Prada on FX this afternoon.
Best Quote:
Andy: You look so thin.
Emily: Really? It's for Paris, I'm on this new diet. Well, I don't eat anything and when I feel like I'm about to faint I eat a cube of cheese. I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.

Lacking taste buds from a seasonal cold is my current "new diet."

Though I crave comfort foods...

...they don't taste like anything through this sickness

so eating seems pointless.

Hopefully, it'll will be good for me in the long run.
(speaking of running, it's very hard to motivate myself to exercise with an incredibly plugged head.)

Day 40

Breakfast:
Poached Eggs - 150cals
Corned Beef Hash - 120cals
[THROW UP]
Lunch:
5 Miller Lights - 480cals
[Game Day = FAT MONSTER]
Dinner:
Pumpkin Pancakes - 150cals

Exercise:
Run - 200cals

Net: 700 [600]

Save Room

My boyfriend brought home a pumpkin soufflé pie last weekend and I successfully avoided it pretty well, but I definitely did have a slice of it's delicious fluffiness. Generally, he is the King of Health and the one who most harshly judges indulgences I want to partake in, but he's bee letting his pumpkiny-spicy-fall-flavors get best of him and our apartment lately.

I "saved room for pie" then said "no" to it.
Hopefully - this weekend - he won't bring home anything I'll have to avoid.

Day 39

Breakfast:
Mocha Light Frapaccino - 110cals
Lunch:
Mini Greek Salad - 200cals
Mediterranean Flat Bread - 260cals
Dinner:
Salad w/ Olives, Ranch, Croutons - 210cals
[THROW UP]

Exercise:
Stairs - 100cals

Net: 680cals [480]

Skinny Coffee

I'm a huge fan of caffeine to aid in dieting

and Starbucks is definitely my favorite option.

I'm good at talking myself out of any/all deliciousness

and simply going with an Americano.

But, sometimes, I allow myself a sweet indulgence.

My top choices are seasonal

(which makes them even easier to say "no" to - obviously - in non-seasonal seasons)

but on-the-reg, I dig Caramel Machiattos.

Whenever I'm ordering something with a

"Skinny"

or

"NonFat"

option, though, I'm very careful

to keep an eye on the barista's mixing skills.

And I'm shameless about calling out any mistakes I see.

I do always feel obnoxious having picky orders...

(making Americano's easier to talk myself into)

...and I'm not gonna lie,

I've ordered full-fat, non-skinny drinks

for some of my bitchy&thin friends in the past.

Day 38

Breakfast:
Tall Skinny Caramel Machiatto - 145cals
Lunch:
Navy Bean Soup - 150cals
Dinner:
Salad w/ Black Olives, Croutons, & Ranch - 210cals

Exercise:
Run - 245cals

Net: 260cals

One Year

November 7, 2011

.My first post.

.The day my goals were made.

Almost a year later and I still haven't hit them.

.any of them.

Fuck up.

You are a fuck up, fatso.

Getting my shit together.

Hopefully,

by November 7, 2012

I'll reach at least one of my goals.

And my last round only lasted 42 days.
I will not give up so quickly.
This round will last.
Ana&Mia will watch me disappear.

Day 37

Breakfast:
Blackberries & Oatmeal - 65cals
Lunch:
Salad w/ Turkey&Ranch - 280cals
Snack:
Mini Twix - 50cals
Dinner:
Egg Beater Omelette w/ Cheese&Pico - 200cals

Exercise:
None - sick.munchie.girl

Net: 585cals

Lacking Help

I haven't bought laxatives in a couple weeks.

Instead I've been taking stool softeners

- a little less harsh -

and, obviously, avoiding processed foods that need laxative attention the most.

I feel heavy.

Like everything I eat is just sticking to my insides.

I need.need.need to stop eating so much!

This whole

laxative-cutback

cigarette-stopage

lack-of-pot

is not helping me lose any weight.

That's for sure...

...and it's not good.

.so hard.

Day 36

Lunch:
Chicken - 175cals
Dinner:
Romaine w/ Ranch & Croutons - 180cals

Exercise:
Run - 245cals

Net: 110cals

Shorts&Tights

I'd originally intended to wear shorts&tights to the concert Saturday night, but I didn't feel confident enough, so I changed into ripped-up jeans. As I sat there sipping on my vodka-soda-lime, a girl with my less-toned legs wandered in wearing shorts&tights with boots - immediately catching my eye.

Damnit. I should have gone with my instincts on the clothing choice.

I thought, then made the conscious decision to get more serious about my "diet."

With skinny comes confidence.

With confidence comes the ability to "go with my gut"

(or lack-there-of)

and wear whatever I want whenever I want.

Day 35

Lunch:
Carrots - 120cals
Dinner:
Olga's Salad - 300cals
Spinach&Feta Soup - 160cals
Snack:
Light Pumpkin Pie - 150cals

Exercise:
Walk - 100cals

Net: 530cals

Skinny Groupies

Last night we went to a concert downtown.

From our table in the balcony, I had the perfect view to PeopleWatch.

I took in all the hipster girls there for the show...

...who were tiny.

Their legs looked like sticks in skinny, acid-washed jeans with heels and sloppy, loose-fitting tops. As they swayed to the music, every bone in their little bodies shifted&jutted from under their skin with their movements. Their silhouettes from the lights on the stage were beautiful&skeletal and brought out the envious demons inside my own fat body.

Never thought I'd find thinsporation at a grungy hipster bar, but I definitely did.

Day 34

Breakfast:
Whole Wheat Pumpkin Pancakes - 450cals
Lunch:
Salad w/ Turkey&Ranch - 300cals
Dinner:
Brussel Sprouts - 100cals

Exercise:
NONE - lazy.Sunday.fatso

Net: 850cals

Sweet Breakfast

Something about weekend mornings makes me crave
sweet breakfast foods.

On any other day:
donuts-pancakes-waffles would not entice me...

...but Saturday mornings seem to scream "you want sugar!" at me.

And, unfortunately, I generally give in to the screams.

This morning, I decided to try a new recipe:
Whole Wheat Pumpkin Pancakes.

(it was really a mish-mash of a bunch of recipes)

My boyfriend has been craving fall food

- missing the season's changes of Illinois all the way down here in Florida -

so I put a little fall into his breakfast-in-bed,

which he thoroughly appreciated since they were delicious.

And probably not too awful with sugar-free syrup.

Day 33

Breakfast:
Whole Wheat Pumpkin Pancakes - 450cals
Lunch:
Greek Salad - 50cals
Dinner:
Cheese & Potato Omelette - 500cals

Exercise:
Walk - 100cals

Net: 900

Doctor Goals

Made a gynecologist appointment with a doctor near the town I recently moved to.

New people always make me nervous

-

especially ones I pay to talk about my body and know my weight.

My goal:

to be

under 130lbs

by the time

I hit

their scale

next Wednesday.

Day 32

Breakfast:

Chocolate Chip Cookies - 230cals

Lunch:

Hungry Howie's Pizza - 230cals

Greek Salad - 40cals

[THROW UP]

Dinner:

Juevos Rancheros - 420cals

[THROW UP]

Snack:

Peanut Butter & Chocolate Cupcake - 480cals

Exercise:

NON, you fat-disgusting-slob

Total: 1400 [1055]

Thinspired Vamps

Another thinspo show tonight:

The premier of The Vampire Diaries on the CW!

Elena (the main female character) is gorgeous&tiny...

...as well as the other two adorable girls Caroline&Bonnie.

Vampires always seem to be sexy&beautiful

and these girls are no exception.

I can't wait to take in their hot, little bodies

and use the images to thinspire myself.

Day 31

Lunch:
Chicken Breast - 140cals
Steamed Veggies - 60cals
Snack:
Non-Fat Mocha Light Frappuccino - 125cals
Dinner:
Eggwhite Omelette w/ Cheddar - 180cals
Chocolate Chip Cookies - 240cals

Exercise:
Run - 150cals

Totals: 595cals

Nashville Thin

I mentioned to my boyfriend on the way to the gym tonight that I wanted to watch ABC's Nashville when it came on at 9pm. I half-heartedly stated that it "looked good" then admitted that it's mostly TV-style thinsporation because Hayden Penetiara is so skinny. And - for the first time ever - he got all googly-eyed and gawky about the skinny starlette. Guess I've got some new visual motivation to aim at.

(not that I feel I should work so hard to be tiny for a guy with muffin-top and that awful under-belly dimple ... more motivation comes from the googly-eyes others send my way.)

Day 30

Lunch:
Poached Eggs & Corned Beef Hash - 350cals
Dinner:
Egg Beater Omelette w/ Cheese - 200cals

Exercise:
Legs - 150cals

Total: 400cals

Tight Legs

I've always had very muscular legs

and

- after a week of hard work -

they were perfectly toned for this weekend's Girls' Day.

Bright tights went wonderfully with my

MinnetonkaBoots&FringeTShirtDress

making me feel incredibly confident all day.

Day 29

Lunch:
Vegan Frozen Yogurt - 110cals
Pickle - 25cals
Snack:
Chocolate Chip Granola Bar - 100cals
Dinner:
Salad Bar - 300cals
Mashed Potatoes & Gravy - 100cals
Raspberry Crisp - 100cals
[THREW UP]

Exercise:
Elliptical - 350cals

Total: 385cals

Girls' Day

Not to

*TooT My Own Horn*

or anything

but I was *def* the skinniest girl on Girls' Day

(besides the one who NEVER eats.)

Day 28

Breakfast:
Brussel Sprouts - 70cals
Lunch:
Navy Bean Soup - 200cals
Corned Beef Hash - 100cals
Dinner:
Egg Beater Omelette w/ Cheese - 200cals

Exercise:
Walk - 100cals

Total: 470cals

Skinny Nails

When I eat well and exercise

I feel pretty and want to upkeep myself.

So I:

braid my hair

accessorize my outfits

paint my nails.

Because my insides are hungry&functioning

my outsides can shine.

When I feel hungry - I want to be pretty.

Days 25-27

I've been alright.

I need to be better.

.a snack here - an indulgence there.

...easily justified, but...

unacceptable.

and disgusting.

.I.MUST.WORK.HARDER.