Holiday Binge

These holidays may kill me

...

if I can't keep it under control.

Day 42

12.20.11

Breakfast:Eggwhites (25) 
Lunch:Whole Wheat Angel Hair Pasta (210)
Roasted Garlic Marinara Sauce (60)
Dinner:Vegetarian Taco Salad (105)

Work Out:None

Net: 400

Diet, Please

I love how the people in my office always chose diet soda over regular. They don’t turn down the cookies, candy, bagels, or any other holiday treats brought in – but, it’s ok, cause their beverage choice is calorie-free.

Ridiculous.

Day 41

12.19.11

Breakfast:Progresso Chicken Noodle (100)
10 Saltines (120)
Eggwhites (25) 
Lunch:Potato Wedges (270)
Honey Mustard (130)
Dinner:Wheat Veggie Pita (235)

Work Out:20min Cycling (190)

Net: 690

Fruit Salad

We had lunch catered at the office last week.

Of course no one touched the fruit salad...

so, I stole a big bowl of it.

Snacking on it for a while.

Days 38-40

12.16-18.11

Pretty good weekend.
Friday Night: no food & movie
Saturday Morning: breakfast
Saturday Afternoon: sex
Saturday Night: dinner & drinks & sex
Sunday Morning: sex
Sunday Afternoon: breakfast
Sunday Night: dinner & cookies
Monday Morning: 129lbs

Eve's Apple

"She suffered during every meal, I knew it deep in my gut, and I monitored her with unnatural attention.  I felt her moods the way a blind man feels a face – some part of me was pressed up close against her, always, reading her, feeling the contours of her emotions, her thoughts, her moods, her hunger.  She shrank at times from the grope of my intuition, but at other times she posed for it, holding herself up for my inspections, baring her misery like nudity that has put aside shame."

-quote from Eve's Apple by Jonathon Rosen

I think my boyfriend should read this book... but I think it would tell him too much about the things he won't admit.

Day 37

12.15.11

Breakfast:GNC Complete Cleanse AM (60)
GNC Probiotic Packet (35)
Subway Eggwhite – no meat or cheese (200)     
Lunch:Wild Rice Soup (100)
Dinner:3 Pizza Hut Breadsticks (450)

Work Out:1hr Walk (180)

Net: 630

Cold Relations

I’d like comfort food – but nothing sounds good. That nasty feeling of a stomach filled with mucus from sinus drainage makes even the yummiest of things sound disgusting. I sit here – miserable at my desk – thinking of all the things I’d love to eat, knowing that they simply wouldn’t taste the same if I indulged in the midst of this illness. I really should just exercise… I don’t have time to sleep long enough to make the nap worthwhile with my busy schedule. Maybe, if I’m not coughing up my lung, I’ll simply avoid another meal and hit the gym.

I have a love/hate relationship with this cold I’ve caught.

Day 36

12.14.11

Breakfast:GNC Complete Cleanse AM (60)
GNC Probiotic Packet (35)           
Lunch:1 cup sautéed Green Beans (60)
Dinner Roll (80)
Caesar Salad (200)
Snack:1 mini Pecan Pie (180)
Dinner:GNC Complete Cleanse PM (60)

Work Out:30min Walk (90)

Net: 455

SickySick

Sick.As.A.Dog.

Miserable.

Finally got under 130 and now I'm terribly sick.

Trying not too indulge in comfort food.

Hard not to.

I can do it.

I will not rise above 130 and give in to this cold.

No.No.No.

Under 120 by 12.24.

Day 35

12.13.11

Breakfast:GNC Complete Cleanse AM (60)
GNC Probiotic Packet (35)           
Lunch:Mashed Potatoes, Corn, Gravy (180)
Snack:1 Apple (80)
1 cup Trail Mix (160)
Dinner:Chicken Noodle Soup (200)
GNC Complete Cleanse PM (60)

Work Out:30min Walk (90)

Net: 785

Conquered Plateau

I finally broke 130.

128.5lbs this morning!

I’ve been waiting&waiting for this day.

The motivation it brings is astounding.

No way can I ever get above 130 again.

At 5’3” – anything above 130 is absolutely disgusting.

Only thinner&thinner shall I get.

Day 34

12.12.11

Breakfast:none    
Lunch:Carrots & Radishes (45)
Green Bean Casserole (80)
Snack:½ bag Baked Cheddar Snack Mix (115)
Dinner:2 cups Homemade Spaghetti (250)

Work Out:30min Walk (90)

Net: 400

The Decision

It sounds silly, like, “whoa is the popular girl,” but I’d been pleasing everyone around me since I could remember. I did what I was told, but I always did what was necessary to stay on top in my high school social circle. I don’t regret my high school life at all, either. I was always busy, always involved, always spending time with different groups – ensuring I knew everything there was to know about the 500 people who walked the hall of my high school in order to properly perform my position as Year Book Editor-n-Chief. I’d never stopped to think, though, about what I actually wanted. And when I felt that empty feeling, I knew I wanted it.

Days 31-33

12.9.11-12.11.11


Me weekend was full of events.
-The boyfriends Employee Holiday Party
-My Roommate's Birthday Party
-Movie Night with The Girls
I had french fries, spaghetti, garlic toast, and lots of booze.
But I must have refrained enough...
130lbs on the scale this morning.
Crackin' down again this week.
Under 120 by December 25.

History Repeats

I discovered a certain suppliment when I was a junior in college. A friend of a friend mentioned that it would keep me awake during finals, so I tried it. It kept me awake, so I continued the regimen. About two weeks into my daily pill-popping routine, I noticed my clothes seemed looser. So I thought about it for a second: I haven’t been eating. I hadn’t even thought about eating. I was getting everything accomplished without having food even cross my mind. Looking back, I don’t feel I’d started an addiction – I just found something readily available that I enjoyed. If I didn’t have it, I was fine – I ate&slept like a normal person. If I did have it, I continued to shrink – from 125 to about 105 in a matter of months.

I can’t remember when I stopped – about a year later: I suddenly just “didn’t” anymore.

The current exam week, though, handed them back to me – 6 hours of sleep in 5 days with very little food intake – and I fell back in love with my beautiful old habit. Not sure I feel like searching&paying for more, but it’s been a pleasant blast from the past.

Day 30

12.8.11

Breakfast:GNC Complete Body Cleanse AM (40)
GNC Fiber and Probiotic Blend Packet (35)          
Lunch:½ High Fiber Instant Oatmeal (80)
Snack:Homemade Apple Crisp (170)
Dinner:Panera Black Bean Soup (170)
GNC Complete Body Cleanse PM (40)

Work Out:30min Walk (90)

Net: 495

Drunken Slips

Very few people know that I’ve ever actually had a bout with ED – let alone that I’ve been ping-ponging back&forth between Ana&Mia for over 6 years. Some close friends know that - in the darker hours of my life - I lose my appetite and shrink down, but – being the head strong girl I am – none have every mentioned or accused… they simply wait for me to come out of it.

Last weekend, though – in the midst of drunken confession mode – I slipped to my boyfriend that all the barfing I’d done that night wasn’t a big deal to me. After puking my way from the bar bathroom to the parkinglot to his garage to his bathroom, he was worried that I was miserable – any normal person would be. But I assured him that I’d thrown up plenty in my life and it didn’t faze me anymore. I vaguely remember his semi-horrified expression through my blurry vision. The next morning, though, he didn’t mention a thing. Of course. He’s too wonderful to question me and I’m too strong to be questioned.

Maybe it’s a sign, though, that – in reality – everyone knows… They just keep their mouths shut while I pretend there are no issues.

Day 29

12.7.11

Breakfast:GNC Complete Body Cleanse AM (40)
GNC Fiber and Probiotic Blend Packet (35)          
Lunch:High Fiber Instant Oatmeal (160)
Snack:1 tbsp Reduced Fat Peanut Butter (95)
Dinner:2 scoops Naturade Soy Protein (140)
1.5 cups Light Soy Milk (90)
GNC Complete Body Cleanse PM (40)

Work Out:30min Cycling (180)

Net: 420

GNC Magic

So last night I had a little, mini-binge before purchasing GNC's 7-day Complete Body Cleansing Program. I've done this cleanse a couple of times and it really works wonders when I want to shrink my stomach down and get back to eating all natural foods.

It's oatmeal, fresh vegetables, lemon water, and aloevera juice for the next 7 days. If I want to get down below 120 for Christmas, I've got to do something serious this week. I didn't really want to go grocery shopping anyway.

Day 28

12.6.11

Breakfast:2 slices Wheat Bread (180)
4tbsp Egg Whites (50)   
Lunch:Subway Broccoli Cheese Soup (180)
Dinner:Value BK French Fries (240)

Work Out:30min Walk (90)

Net: 560

Holiday Goals

I need to set some serious holiday goals.

I've merely been floating along lately

-

not gaining, not losing, not working out... NOT GOOD.

Lounging out at work then lounging out at home.

Office Chair - Couch - Bed

.lazy.

131lbs on the scale this morning.

19 days till Christmas.

UNDER 120 by Christmas = Holiday Goal.

119 by 12.25

119 by 12.25

119 by 12.25

I need to get my fat ass back to the gym.

Day 27

12.5.11

Breakfast:2 slices Wheat Bread (180)
4tbsp Egg Whites (50)   
Lunch:Salad  (250)
Dinner:½ Qdoba Vegetarian Taco Salad (110)

Work Out:Arms (?)

Net: 590

Motivation Music

I knew I was gaining this weekend.

I could feel it with every menu item I forced myself to order.

I was painfully aware that I could never completely rid my body of the junk I was putting inside it.

So, I took Sunday evening to make myself a new CD for motivation.

Daughtry - All These Lives

The Pretty Reckless - Make Me Wanna Die

Flyleaf - I'm So Sick

OTEP - Perfectly Flawed

SuperChick - Beauty From Pain

Missy Higgins - Katie

SuperChick - Courage

Flyleaf - Arise

Faces Without Names - Deadly Beauty

Eminem - Beautiful

Paramore - Fences

Flyleaf - Again

Kate Nash - Skeleton Song

Juliana Hatfield - Feed Me

Days 24-26

12.2.11-12.4.11

I had a mia.mia.mia weekend. Out to eat for almost every meal with friends from out of town. Lots of “I have to pee” running-to-the-bathroom moments and slamming saline lax with water&coffee to flush all the garbage out.


Up 2lbs on the scale this morning.


133

.fuck.

What's Left

I love leaving a small amount of leftovers. When I can take a meal I planned to eat in one sitting and still have some left for the next day – I slowly wean myself off of eating as much as I think I shouldORcould. I absolutely hate to waste food, though, so the couple bites I leave behind, I’ll save and eat the next day, which makes my next portion of leftovers even bigger until I’ve successfully saved a whole day’s worth of groceries on leftovers. I’m finally getting back into the good habit, too – and its benefitting.

131lbs this morning.

Day 23

12.1.11

Breakfast:none    
Lunch:Vegetarian LoMein w/ Fried Rice  (200)
1/4^th cup Egg Whites (25)
Snack:1 Chocolate Chip Cookie (130)
Dinner:1 bowl Panera Black Bean Soup (170)
1 Whole Grain Baguette (180)

Work Out:30 minute Walk (90)

Net: 615

Winter Loser

I always tend to lose in the winter. I think about all the holiday pictures I’ll be in, all the clothes people will gift me, all the events to attend – its super motivating for me to lose. And, the control of constantly being surrounded by holiday treats and saying “no” to them gives me so much power. My bones may be buried under sweaters&scarves, but they protrude the most in the winter.

Day 22

11.30.11

Breakfast:1/4^th cup Egg Whites (25)
½  slice Wheat Bread (50)
Lunch:Vegetarian LoMein w/ Fried Rice  (300)
1/4^th cup Egg Whites (25)
Dinner:1 cup Organic Granola Cereal (330)
1 cup Pure Almond Milk (35)

Work Out:30 cycling (190)
200 crunches

Net: 675