Sunday, December 1, 2013

Not Failing

I've been looking through old pictures lately
to gain inspiration
and rediscover myself.
I was my smallest from Fall 2008-Spring 2010.
When I think about those days
I don't think about how tiny I was
I think of all that I was going through.
My lover started cheating in Fall 2008.
We battled over&for our relationship for a year.
Then she killed herself.
And I starved through a blacked out depression
till Spring 2010.
Then I got fat.
Really really fat.
I moved away:
I stayed fat.
I moved back home:
I stayed fat.
I moved a couple more times:
I stayed fat.
I've always battled...
always yo-yo'd...
but basically for THREE & A HALF YEARS:
I've been fat.
I've said a million times that
I felt I'd "woken up"
and gotten my grasp back on myself
but I feel that now
I finally realize that I'd never been myself at all.
Myself was that girl who knew her emotions
who starved through them on her own
to deal with all that was happening.
Myself was that girl who discovered adderal
before that Thanksgiving vacation in 2008
and decided that emptiness was all she cared to feel.
And for the first time since the black out:
I feel like myself.
And myself is fragile&emotional.
Myself has gone through heartache&loss.
Myself will not be fat anymore.
It took me a while in 2008
to get down the my smallest recoded weight
but starting at Thanksgiving again
I will find my way back
down-down-down to tiny.