Monday, December 14, 2015

a mess

It's been a while.
I know.
Just enough time for me to make a royal mess of my life.
The BF&I were pretty much done in July.
Of course, before I could even accept the change: I met someone.
At first I tried to avoid it.
...brush it off & neglect my desire to be near him.
But then I moved in with him.
Cause I'm an absolute idiot.
And the magical moments seeped into my brain.
He'd come home and rush up the stairs to hug me
...just to hug me cause he needed to.
He'd cook for me and snuggle me and smile at me 24/7.
We chose not to discuss our past relationships.
We tried to keep things casual
...but the emotions were running high.
And at some point, I said too much.
I shared too much.
I got too vulnerable.
And while he was discussing his desires to pack on some muscle
I was letting my ED issues show through,
which was not a topic he understood too well.
Worry & critiquing.
Telling me to be "healthy" and not to "starve."
So I've realized I need an outlet.
As I've started purging again and I AM trying to starve most days
I need somewhere to speak
so I don't let anything slip to him.
If he even wants me anymore, that is.
I posted a photo of my ex and I on FB while I was tipsy
and now he's asked for some days to think
until we can talk in person.
I don't want to lose him.
And I want to lose 15lbs.
One positive point is that the stress of this silence ruins my appetite.

I had a bunch of drafts to publish back in March.
I'll begin by getting those out once per day
when I don't have anything else to get off my chest.

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