ED Skeletons

I'm an on again - off again fan of the Real World.

Some seasons I get sucked in, but recently most uninterest me.

Last night, though, my roommate was watching Real World: Skeletons

and I perked up when I heard the term "Eating Disorder."

Apparently one of the cast members, Violette,

is always on the scale,

has been heard throwing up,

and keeps getting thinner&thinner.

During last night's episode she stepped on the scale

and the camera showed 106lbs

...at 5'5" that is pretty darn tiny...

I weigh 20lbs more than that at 5'3"

and now I'm completely ashamed of myself!

Now, if I was on a TV show with my daily life being filmed

and just had my worth enemy&ex show up to live with me,

I'd be throwing up too

...but I often throw up when I'm upset

so I can completely relate&agree with Violetta.
"With me, it's a control thing.

The reason I do it is because something is happening in my life that I can't control."

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/q-and-a/a36027/real-world-skeletons-violetta-eating-disorder/

 

Relating to PostSecret

I know I should know better

and I definitely do know better

but I chose to desire an eating disorder.

I may not succeed always - but I want my ED.

I've been a vegetarian since I was a toddler.

Throughout the past year, I ate a lot of meat with the boy, though.

I will not allow myself to get off track anymore.

Being a vegetarian is one of the best ways to avoid eating.

 My body-image issues have existed since I can remember.

My mom was always pointing out people's weight&size

and she was constantly trying new diets.

Often she was convincing me to try them with her.

We had some friends in town this weekend.

Shockingly, our guy friend is the one who binge&purged.

The knowledge that he'd done this shook me

and actually made me never want to b&p again.

I've been a runner my whole life

and I definitely embraced EDs during my highschool running days.

Somehow the less I ate, the better I was.

I'm trying to get back to my roots with this half marathon training.

Purge&Lax

I had broken blood vessels last week

and mouth sores this week.

They're gross&embarrassing

but external proof of my internal satisfaction.

For a while I'd convinced myself not to purge.

I told myself I'd controll my intake

I told myself I'd burn calories through work-outs

instead of throwing-up&laxitive-abuse.

I'm just not losing, though.

So, I've given up on behaving.

I like purging my binges.

I like emptying myself in the morning.

I try&try&try and never shrink...

mia creates more results.

Adorable Blair

I've been inspired to watch Gossip Girl again.

I could watch the whole series

from beginning to end

over&over without blinking an eye.

I love the first season

...before the silly drama starts...

and I especially love episode 9

(the Thanksgiving episode)

in which Blair wears my favorite dress

and her mia struggle takes center-stage

and they have that adorable tub scene.

I've really wanted to shop lately

...fall fashion, you know...

but I've refrained

(too fat to buy new clothes)

and decided to collect my inspiration instead.

Blair has the best clothes

and she was so small in season one.

Someday, I hope to have these dresses

and those tiny thighs, please.

Old Habits, New Look

I haven't purged in a long time.

Sure, I've done a lot of binging

but I haven't purged the binges.

Today, though, I couldn't stop myself.

After a weekend of stretching my stomach

and forgetting my adderal at home

I was in a munchie mood all day.

I ate my healthy salad

then proceeded to get chips&guac and froyo.

As I walked up the stairs I realized:

I have to throw this up.

So I did.

And boy am I out of practice.

I spewed it past the toilet and out my nose.

Disgusting.

Not only did I have to clean up

but my nose is congested and eyes all puffy.

Maybe it will teach me not to binge at all.

Bursted Blood Vessels

I also haven't change the look of my blog

...not once in almost two years.

Unfortunately, my photo editor quit working

so I can't match that bright pink filter anymore.

Now, though, my blog matches my personality

...I was never really very girly or bright.

And now I can start posting personal photos again

since I've been unable without an editor.

New Template Cover

Amazon Thinspo

My most recent Amazon Order:

An alarm clock for my guest bedroom

and some new books!

I've been reading a quirky holiday-themed

murder-mystery series by Leslie Meier lately

but I wanted some books with more depth.

And - obviously - some thinspo.

Bachelorette Thinspo

I decided to watch Bachelorette on Netflix recently.

I can't say I loved it...

but it was definitely a source of thinspo.

Kirsten Dunst is bulimic in the movie

(or had been bulimic)

and decides to purge when she's stressed,

which is something I've done often in life.

And all the main characters are teeny-tiny...

besides the actual bride

who says everyone thinks she's

"too fat to get married."

Also, there's some coke-usage,

which is another path I've taken to thin in the past.

So, anywho,

it was just a bit of unhealthy motivation

to stay on the skinny-trail.

In general,

I love Kirsten.

She's always been tiny

with an adorable-little-body

and roles that I enjoy.

I can never pass up a Kirsten Dunst movie.

Mia Monster

I've been a MiaMonster lately.

I haven't even been eating that poorly.

A little treat here

something naught there

but no major binges...

yet, after ingesting something as minimalistic

as a salad

I head to the bathroom

turn on the shower

and throw everything up.

I just can't seem to stop myself.

I feel so much better once I've done it,

whether the food was worth getting rid of or not.

Side Effects:

I'm not gaining weight.

I'm not losing weight.

...and...

I've got sores in&around my mouth.

Damnit.

How gross.

I really do need to stop.

Early V-Day

Since Valentine's Day falls a day after Lent begins

we opted to have our dirty-cheat-meal tonight.

The boyfriend has a headcold

thus stayed home from work

so I surprised him with the goodies we'd discussed:

Deep Dish Cheese Pizza & Cinnamon Rolls

A disgustingly delicious dairy bomb

of his favorite treats before Lent's kick-off.

Tomorrow starts: NO DAIRY.

I was a good-little-bulimic girl

and threw up all the shit we ate,

but I certainly enjoyed the last indulgence

on its way down.

126lbs this morning.
I've been consistently down there
so that's nice.
If I net 400calories a day...
I should lose 2lbs a week
which means I'll be fasting tomorrow.
Green Tea - Coffee - Water

Non-Eating LA

In the 2nd LA episode of Season 3

of Sex & the City

when Miranda meets up with one a

New York turned LA resident friend

who'd lost 30lbs.

She's enticed by his new mindset&looks

until she realizes just how hard he's working

to keep those pounds off

after she see him chewing his steak

then spitting it into his napkin.

"What are you doing?"

"Do you think I look this good by eating!?"

I need to remember that.

Cookie Remains

I should be ashamed of what I did tonight

but I'm actually quite proud of myself.

We had some left over chocolate chip cookies

from Christmas

(I know - you'd think I'd rid the apt of it all by now...)

and I couldn't avoid wanting to eat them.

There were five.

I ate one.

Then I took the bag to my room.

Mid chew on the second cookie

I started hating myself.

So I grabbed a papertowel

and spit the chewed remains into it.

Then I decided I'd do that to them all.

No more cookies.

No putting them in my belly either.

Once I'd chewed and spit the four cookies,

I walked to the bathroom

stuffed my fingers to the back of my throat

and gagged until I got rid of that first cookie

and any bit that may have slid down.

Good girl.

Thin&Gossip

 Tonight:
another episode of the final season of GossipGirl.

An excellently thinsporational show.

Beautiful-Rich-Fashionable-Partying Girls

Skinny-LongLegged-WellDressed-Desirable Bodies

Everybody wants them.

Everybody wants to be them.

My reason: they're thin.

From the very first book

years&years ago

with Blair in all her bulimic glory...

...I've been in love with GossipGirl.

Attention&Vomit

Generally my thoughts just go:

I must be thin.

But sometimes I think:

what led me to this mindset?

I guess I can point some of it toward

my senior year in high school.

I'd put on a little weight at the beginning of that year.

(chubby cheeks & lots of layered clothes)

- incredibly uncomfortable in my own body -

And I had a hot new science teacher

- a classmate of my oldest brother
&
recent grad of my future university -

who gave me some attention...

...but not enough.

As my bulimia took hold

and my body started shrinking

I got what I wanted.

.from lots of sources.

And

- from that time on -

I knew what I needed to do for attention

(though I'm sure I'd known for a long time)

and I willingly accepted any/all drastic measures.

That teacher is married now.
(I think to the women he'd been dating back then.)
But he definitely liked to give me attention
- I've gotten inappropriate attention from a lot of men over the years -
and it all made me want to
shrink shrink shrink
down to nothing.

Thus, I think:
I must be thin.

The Decision

It sounds silly, like, “whoa is the popular girl,” but I’d been pleasing everyone around me since I could remember. I did what I was told, but I always did what was necessary to stay on top in my high school social circle. I don’t regret my high school life at all, either. I was always busy, always involved, always spending time with different groups – ensuring I knew everything there was to know about the 500 people who walked the hall of my high school in order to properly perform my position as Year Book Editor-n-Chief. I’d never stopped to think, though, about what I actually wanted. And when I felt that empty feeling, I knew I wanted it.

Drunken Slips

Very few people know that I’ve ever actually had a bout with ED – let alone that I’ve been ping-ponging back&forth between Ana&Mia for over 6 years. Some close friends know that - in the darker hours of my life - I lose my appetite and shrink down, but – being the head strong girl I am – none have every mentioned or accused… they simply wait for me to come out of it.

Last weekend, though – in the midst of drunken confession mode – I slipped to my boyfriend that all the barfing I’d done that night wasn’t a big deal to me. After puking my way from the bar bathroom to the parkinglot to his garage to his bathroom, he was worried that I was miserable – any normal person would be. But I assured him that I’d thrown up plenty in my life and it didn’t faze me anymore. I vaguely remember his semi-horrified expression through my blurry vision. The next morning, though, he didn’t mention a thing. Of course. He’s too wonderful to question me and I’m too strong to be questioned.

Maybe it’s a sign, though, that – in reality – everyone knows… They just keep their mouths shut while I pretend there are no issues.

The Beginning

I started throwing up my food my senior year in high school. I can’t say that I know what “triggered” it, though. I tend to get nauseous when I get really upset and one day – during the stress of college applications, prom planning, graduation preparation – I just threw up from simply feeling overwhelmed. I remember standing up straight over the toilet when I’d finished and noticing how empty I felt.

And I loved it.

I’d always been conscious of my body, but never truly worried about it, yet that empty feeling made me think: who will I be if I’m always empty?

Day 15-19

11.23-27.11

I was actually pretty good over the holiday weekend.
133lbs this morning.
Not bad.
Random, unhealthy meals - but not too many.
And a couple vomit-sessions.
Can't complain.

Actual Benefits

Scene:

Pre-Thanks Giving Potluck to “stretch our stomachs” in my Office

Current Activity:

Everyone is joking about throwing up the potluck food they just ate.

My Intake:

A salad with fat free dressing.

5 chips with bean salsa.

My Actions:

And I actually did throw it up.

My Thoughts:

These people are weak. – Hence why they’re all fat.

Dairy Disaster

It should be disturbing how incredibly easy it has become for me to throw up my food.

But I don’t find it disturbing at all.

I’m actually quite satisfied when I’m able to get it all out of me.

About 20 minutes ago a woman in the office offered me some crackers with a southwest dip she'd made. Not wanting to be “that girl” I accepted and had a couple bites. When she sat the leftovers out in the common area with the recipe I walked over and read it.

Whole milk, butter milk, sour cream.

“No way am I keeping that in me.”

So I didn’t.

A quick toilet sess at work and the mistaken acceptance won’t affect my waistline.

Pat on the back.

Perfect.