Cafeteria Food

I will eat cafeteria food for the next 46 days.

I think the limited options will actually be helpful.

One summer in college, I worked on my university's campus

and the only thing I ate for months was cafeteria food.

In attempting to avoid the naughty options,

I was left with little else to eat than salad&eggs.

Lets hope for a repeat.

So far I've had:

Salads

Vegan Chili

Beans & Rice

Eggs

Hummus Wraps

...and I've been running.

Keepin' it up.

Active Shai



Mixify Movement

Obviously I agree with the Mixify cause

- balance what you eat&drink&do -

but I think its kind of a wild way of putting it.

The youth of America who slam fastfood every day

will watch the commercials and think:

as long as I go for a walk, I can eat another donut!

I guess it has the right intentions

and hopefully healthy parents will teach their kids properly

but I can see it easily going in the wrong direction.

TriggerTuesday

Triggers are wild.

Last night I had martinis with my coworker

and she was telling me about how skinny her daughter is.

I asked if this was something was concerned about

and she told me about her daughter's high school ED.

She's starting her senior year in college

and is dating a man her sisters don't approve of

and has apparently lost a significant amount of weight.

I've been following proana instagram profiles

and I was recently fitted for 2 bridesmaid dresses

but hearing about my coworkers daughter

and her probable rekindling with her ED

motivated me to get my shit together again.

Starting now: I will be thin.

her daughter at high school homecoming



PostSecretWorkouts

This Year

Extremely correct:

Shit I was almost happy again.

I've gained 10lbs since Halloween.

I was so thin that day.

Then I weighed in at 134lbs on NYE.

Shit.

This year: I'll do better.

I'll keep losing when I'm feeling thin

and I won't just pile the pounds back on.

This year, I'll be tiny.

That's the only way it can be.

Things To Do

Sometimes you just need to distract yourself.

I do it with wine a lot.

I've been trying to cut back

on that sugary-beverage-intake

but I still find myself distracting with wine

and the painting of nails

(though lately I've opted to get them done)

instead of stuffing my face when I get home.

Drink Wine

Paint Nails

Not Failing

I've been looking through old pictures lately

to gain inspiration

and rediscover myself.

I was my smallest from Fall 2008-Spring 2010.

When I think about those days

I don't think about how tiny I was

I think of all that I was going through.

My lover started cheating in Fall 2008.

We battled over&for our relationship for a year.

Then she killed herself.

And I starved through a blacked out depression

till Spring 2010.

Then I got fat.

Really really fat.

I moved away:

I stayed fat.

I moved back home:

I stayed fat.

I moved a couple more times:

I stayed fat.

I've always battled...

always yo-yo'd...

but basically for THREE & A HALF YEARS:

I've been fat.

I've said a million times that

I felt I'd "woken up"

and gotten my grasp back on myself

but I feel that now

I finally realize that I'd never been myself at all.

Myself was that girl who knew her emotions

who starved through them on her own

to deal with all that was happening.

Myself was that girl who discovered adderal

before that Thanksgiving vacation in 2008

and decided that emptiness was all she cared to feel.

And for the first time since the black out:

I feel like myself.

And myself is fragile&emotional.

Myself has gone through heartache&loss.

Myself will not be fat anymore.

It took me a while in 2008

to get down the my smallest recoded weight

but starting at Thanksgiving again

I will find my way back

down-down-down to tiny.

Wedded Thinspo

First there Adriana who got married on

Real Housewives of Miami

and looked absolutely tiny for her wedding.

There's a scene

where she's walking into the hotel

and her legs look like sticks

in her huge heels and flowy shorts.

If I was going to be the center of attention

and take pictures I'll cherish forever

I guess I'd be really motivated, too.

Then there's my silly sister-in-law

giving my a stack of bridal magazines.

No, the boyfriend&I aren't engaged

and we probably won't be for a while

and I'm more than a-o.k. with that

but it's almost scary to think

that in just a few years

I could be walking down the aisle.

I really should be perfecting my thin frame

now

instead of losing a bunch then

and having everyone tell me:

how small I look for my wedding...

I want to be itty-bitty for every day.

Two Years Later

...:Two Years Later:...

I was so gigantically fat in 2011...
I don't know how I snagged my boyfriend then.
Easily 140lbs ...how disgusting I was.
When I think about drunkely fucking him
getting ready for dates
thinking that I was better than him...
I was gross&huge
and lucky that he liked me anyway.
Now, though, I'm much better than I was.
Now, though, he should feel lucky to have me.
Now, though, he should fuck me more often.
I will continue to shrink.
I will always be good enough for him
(maybe even better than him)
and he'll always know he wants me.

TODAY's WEIGH-IN: 125lbs

Apps&Hollywood

I used to be so good at using the My Fitness Pal app

but for quite a while it's been forgotten.
I should get back to using it...
it definitely keeps me on track nicely
and now that I've got my head in the right place
(finally)
I'll be motivated to utilize it.
It's interesting to keep up with friends' updates.
One girlfriend is always burning so many calories
and I wish I could convince myself to do the same!

On a different note - I found a good article...
Hollywood Dirty Diet Secrets:
http://www.nydailynews.com
/life-style/hollywood-dirty-diet-secrets-article-1.286090
I like the peanuts only & hard-boiled egg only.
I could definitely do that.
I love hard-boiled eggs so much.
I think dirty diet secrets are nice to know...
it's not like anyone believes those tiny bitches
are "tiny by nature"
so knowing their extreme measures
reassures me that my efforts are not in vein.
I can eat hard-boiled eggs only
and be just as small as all the celebs.

Shopping Decisions

I've been shopping lately

which probably isn't the smartest thing

since I now own an expensive house

but I just can't help myself.

I feel so unmotivated to get thin

when I'm not excited about my own closet

so I tell myself that buying something new

will make me want to look good to wear it.

Like these cute witch boots that need thin legs:

It's also a great distraction.

I went out for a snack mid-afternoon today

and instead of buying anything naughty to eat

I went for a little shopping trip.

Two size small dresses for a small price.

Motivation to get thinner for them.

Now I just need more tights&cardigans.

Healthy Fridge

This has been my theory

since I'm moving into a new house

with a brand new fridge.

I plan to only fill it with healthy food.

Tomorrow is our Housewarming Party.

All the treats I'm making will be healthy.

You know, to counteract the booze intake.

And once the party is over

it's back to a thin-friendly fridge.

Old Habits, New Look

I haven't purged in a long time.

Sure, I've done a lot of binging

but I haven't purged the binges.

Today, though, I couldn't stop myself.

After a weekend of stretching my stomach

and forgetting my adderal at home

I was in a munchie mood all day.

I ate my healthy salad

then proceeded to get chips&guac and froyo.

As I walked up the stairs I realized:

I have to throw this up.

So I did.

And boy am I out of practice.

I spewed it past the toilet and out my nose.

Disgusting.

Not only did I have to clean up

but my nose is congested and eyes all puffy.

Maybe it will teach me not to binge at all.

Bursted Blood Vessels

I also haven't change the look of my blog

...not once in almost two years.

Unfortunately, my photo editor quit working

so I can't match that bright pink filter anymore.

Now, though, my blog matches my personality

...I was never really very girly or bright.

And now I can start posting personal photos again

since I've been unable without an editor.

New Template Cover

A Beautiful Page

I found this a while ago...

...and forgot about it.

It honestly fits me perfectly.

I swear someone wrote it for me.

Oddly, it reminds me of something

someone's written to me before...

she was unstable&unhealthy&obsessed

but she always had my happiness in her heart.

I wish the same for her

though she'll never hear it from me.

Sleep Diet

I don't get enough sleep...

...haven't since I can remember.

I'm a busy body.

a GO-GO-GOer

which doesn't leave much room for rest.

But now that I've moved into my new house

and set up my brand new memory foam bed

I think sleep has become a priority...

...especially if I lose 11lbs.

Good Food Combos

It's always fun to learn new things about food.

Especially when I'm trying

to get my shit back together

and get my weight back down

and get my diet under control.

Maybe I'll try some of these food combinations.

Vacation Motivation (again)

I have NOT been a good girl lately.

I haven't been awful

but I've definitely been naughty.

I went on a camping trip

with some girlfriends last weekend

and brought some MaryJane with me.

I wanted to enjoy a tent on the beach

with a little mindlessness.

Unfortunately my girlfriends are munchers,

so I smoked&binged.

Irritating that I can't behave.

I have to start, though...

...and I can't just keep telling myself that.

I need to actually do it.

In exactly one month I'll be headed to LA

(for a week-long work conference)

and I want to look amazing.

This is real.

Under 120lbs by June 24th.
...I was gunna make eggless cookie dough
to snack on tonight
But I didn't have brown sugar,
so I'll take it as a sign to STOP.

Happy Differences

This is the background on my work computer.
I put the list on this picture I GoogleImaged
to inspire be to
a) run
b) be happy.
Most of these goals are pretty hard for me.
I'm notorious for envying the happiness of others
and overthinking&overreacting to most things.
But, I'm trying.
I want to be happy.
I want to love myself inside&out.

http://successify.net/2012/10/31/22
-things-happy-people-do-differently/

Inflammation Irritation

So, I've been running like I said I wanted to,

but of course it hasn't been as easy as I'd hoped.

First, I had a lump in the top of my foot

that throbbed with shooting pain

with every step.

Then last night

I felt like my bones were rubbing on each other...

like my knee was going to fold over itself...

like the top&bottom would slip side-by-side.

Today, my hip&knee are swollen&inflamed

and I can't figure out why.

I looked up whether or not it's the food I'm eating.

I've been having lots of guacamole

and I wondered if avocados caused inflammation,

but apparently the prevent it.

I found that ginger is highly recommended

to decrease inflammation,

which doesn't make sense since I drink my tea daily

and my joints still ache.

I just don't know.

I'm not going to stop running...

or keeping up with my healthy diet,

so lets hope the inflammation simply calms down.